to a specific few - AL. CF. SF. AT.

I wish...
that I had started that paper earlier.
that I had stuck it out for a double major.
that I had stopped texting in classes.
that you hadn't laughed when I told you secrets.
that you hadn't ever touched me.
that you hadn't gone to Belize with me.
that I had spent more time in Italy.
that I had spent more time with that family on the train to Bologna.
that I had spent more money on memories and less on coffee.
that you had been able to see my true heart.
that you had believed that I was truly in pain.
that you had been willing to be a true friend.
that I was less stubborn.
that I was less lazy.
that I was less discouraged.
that you were more dedicated.
that you were more persevering.
that you were more willing to be a mentor.
that I was willing to see truth.
that I was willing to listen to You sooner.
that I was willing to stand up for myself.
that you...
that you were less of a cruel man.
that you were less of a selfish man.
that you were less of a lying man.
I wish that the promises you broke were written in the sky, so people would read it instead of asking me.
I wish that the wounds you gave me were real ones, so people would see the scars instead of the fake smile.
I wish that the heartache you dealt me was erased, so people would know me again instead of the shell.

or do I?
do I wish I hadn't learned those lessons?  made those memories?  lived with those people?
am I really going to throw out the experiences of these last 4 years with the simple, "I wish things were different," or am I going to take the last 4 years and DO something with them?
if I throw them out.  I am no better off than AL, CF, SF, and AT.
I am worse, actually.  because I have their lessons, and the truth they gave me, and I still walked away.
so it might be painful, especially now.  but I won't walk away from my memories.
who I am, is not defined by my past, but rather by how I choose to deal with the past - and by how I choose to deal with the present.

getting found.

I think I got lost somewhere.
somewhere alone the way,
I woke up to a sudden realization that
nothing was, as they say,
ideal.
all was empty.
seven short seconds.
'all I want to say is,
take off my ring now.'

I never meant to take a break.
I never meant to say goodbye.
I never wanted to not hear your voice.
but something is missing now.
someone is missing now.

you aren't the man I thought.
and I lost the woman I was.

we are both missing, you and I.
and until we find the person He would have us be,
we are useless to one another.

take your time.
take your life.

we have time.
we'll have life.

all I want to say is, I loved you.
I loved you, which is why,
I am going to say the words I never wanted.
goodbye.  and good luck.
and God bless you,
God keep you,
God make His face to shine upon you,
God be gracious to you,
God lift His countenance to you,
God give you peace, and
God give you a future, and a hope.

a future without me.
I see that now.
I hope you do, too.

I've gone to find myself.
should you return when I am gone,
maybe wait a bit.
God has me on this path.
I think I'll be back.

broken promises...
sometimes they heal.
sometimes they fade.

sometimes you never know why.

maybe someday I'll get found.
but for now, I'll get sleep.

months...and pictures.

can it really have been almost two months since I wrote on here last?
I have been working some on this blog, about my 6-month-long countdown.
but then I was thinking...
I'm really trying not to let this wedding control my life.  it's getting harder.

I'm thrilled to be getting married.

but I'm struggling with this whole image of "marrying my best friend."

I've had a few best friends.





my Ashley.  I met her when I was three.  she's gorgeous.  we're still facebook friends.  we're good.  we're... chill.  we shared a bedroom for a summer.  between her mom's divorce and their move to Texas.  they moved when we were 9.  it broke our hearts.  we exchanged long composition book letters every month, filled with drawings and ticket stubs and memories.  it was fun.  I spent a week at her place outside of Dallas the summer we were 15.  it was the 2nd time we had seen each other in 6 years.

she went to college, the college I "wanted to go to," and majored in pre-law and Russian.  she's teaching with TeachAmerica for this year and then going to law school in the fall.
I saw her again the summer we turned 21, the summer my brother was in the hospital, the summer I started dating Andy.











my Lauren.  the first one.  I met her when I was six.  we were both six.  we're only ten days apart.  our love grew out of piano lessons, horseback riding, corralling our younger siblings, and trying to convince our moms that it was safe to climb trees.  we are definitely still friends.  we text and facebook chat, and try and see each other when I'm in town on breaks.  her love and sacrifice for what matters to her, for who matters to her, is the most amazing testimony of faithfulness for me to witness.  I wish I could ask her to be in my wedding.  I wish I could ask a lot of people to be in my wedding...  Lauren is fantastic.  she really, truly is.





Lauren and Ashley are dear to me, and well-loved.  I am thankful for the impact they had on me, and the lessons they have taught me, and probably have yet to teach me as well.
but God has blessed me with three women I have known my entire life, who all love each other dearly and would do anything for each other.  the four of us, have gone through more adventures and mishaps than I can count, and I am thrilled to know them and count them as my sisters and my greatest joy on earth.






my Jamie.  I met her when I was four. she was five, and we ran barefoot through her grandmother's back yard chasing her rabbits, pretending that we were wild Indians and declaring that our 1/8th of Native American blood was enough to justify our war-whoops.  she is my life, my true blood, my kindred spirit, my sunshine, my soul sister, my lovie pie and my first love.  my maid of honor - and my only woman.  our friendship has endured over 15 years of ups and downs and boys and girls and drama and...  everything.  we have endured more heartbreak and best-friend separation than I ever thought possible, and still we are true to each other.  I cannot count the number of times we have fallen asleep in my bed, hand in hand, cheek to cheek, as we cried each other to sleep, or laughed until we couldn't breathe.  she's been there for every holiday, and on every July 23rd, we celebrate her beautiful life, no matter the shit we endured the year before.  it amazes me that she still loves me, and that she wants to be my future children's auntie. I cannot wait to stand up with her next to me on June 26th.  she is truly one of the most beautiful and God-loving women I know, because she doesn't even know it.  amazing...

my Amy is truly wonderful.  she and her soulmate Scott are the best of friends, and he is so patient with us four girls who have been together for life.  literally. Amy is witty, brilliant, beautiful, loyal, tough, and fearless.  she faces everything with an incredible amount of courage, and even though she gets discouraged, she is a fighter.  I am proud to count her as my best friend, to know that she is someone I can turn to at all hours of the day with my needs, and that she will hear me out and offer support. Amy is dear and special, and I was honored to be in her wedding and to have her in my own.   South Korea seems like some mysterious, magical place, keeping my Amy from me.  I hope it keeps her safe.








my Sarah Arwen.  the single most amazing woman I know. I know she would die for me in a heartbeat - and I truly believe she is one of the only people I would do the same for.  Sarah's heart for the LORD and her spirit of truth keep me sane.  I kinda like to think that I know her like I know my own heart, and I am so blessed to be a part of her life.  South Carolina is awfully far away right now...  thank God for Skype.  I cannot imagine a life without Sarah, and I thank God for her every day.

here we be.  the four of us.  best friends in childhood, sisters in adulthood.  

facing the world together, always, no matter the miles between us.

and then there's this guy...  Andy is, without a doubt, my heart and soul.  I'm thrilled to be his, to be planning a life with the best man I have ever met.  I know he's a work in progress, I know we have struggles and mishaps and times when we both feel scared and inadequate and unable to move forward.  but he is my future, the man God has been preparing for me, and I cannot wait to call him my husband.  he's pretty stinkin' handsome, and I am so blessed by his wisdom, his strength, his practicality when all I can do is run in circles around the kitchen island until he stops me, his laughter when I feel grumpy, his quiet love when we're on the phone and I'm tired of distance, so he just goes quiet so I can imagine him sitting next to me instead of 600 miles away.  I am thankful for his flowers sent because it's Monday, for his texts that talk about babies and Mexican mochas, for his gentleness and silliness when we are together.



the love I have with Andy, is enduring and faithful, and I know that it comes from God and God alone.  there is no other way I could have fallen this hard and this fast for a guy in Kosovo, and stuck it out with only occasional weekend visits for almost 2 years.  he's a good find.  and I'm gonna keep him.
and while that panda baby isn't ours...  we kinda want one of our own.  that we can teach to headbutt to show affection.  it's a good plan.


I have my wonderful family.  those Crazy Hodgsons, whom I adore more than anything in the world.

(everyone except Rebecca, home sick with the flu, and Andrew's dear Amanda)

(I think this sums up my brothers very well.  Peter is completely serious, 

Greg, quietly humouring me, and Chris, in his own dear little world.  I love them.)

and my parents...  the best and dearest friends I know.

I am so blessed by them and their patient mentoring.

I cannot believe I got them as parents AND friends!

I love these people more than anything.
Austin.
Tiina
my roommates,
Elaine and
Lizzie.
and my dearest own Lauren,
who truly is All I Need.
(and I know she reads this...  I'll be nice).



Multnomah is not where I expected to be.  these are the not the people I expected to know.  but God has me here, and I know He has a plan, just like He did when He gave me S, A, and J, to complete SAHJ.  just like He did when He introduced to me to Janie Palin (Tillman), who sort of kind of in a round-about way, introduced me to Andy...

that's Janie and Zac, high school sweethearts turned husband and wife.  I like them.  she's my new sister come 5 months from today, and I cannot wait!

but until then...  I am content with the life and the family God has given me, in every form, in every person, in every experience.  God is faithful.  and I am here.  now.   alive.  and very, very sleepy. 

I love him.  he's my soul in a different body. 

ok, God.

I'm working on a devotional "talk" for a youth group.  about 1 John 4:18, and how we are perfected in our love. I am also thinking about how Christ's strength perfects our weaknesses.  and how that that is a form of His love for us.  because without His love, our world is worthless, our plans meaningless, our love formless.  it is only with Him, with His love, that we can actually look to the future.
I guess I'm just sorting through it...  but I am working on it.  on life.  on figuring out the future God has for us.
but I guess that's the point, right?  this whole thing - it's all about trust...  and letting God direct us.

I guess, I'll post more when I process this a little more.

our God-given rights.

this week, my school is hosting a Global Missions Conference, and all classes are cancelled in lieu of going to the conference (provided we attend as many hours as we normally spend in class).
this year is Multnomah University's 70th Annual Global Missions Conference.
the theme is Harvesting the Desert - God at Work in the Middle East.
I attended a workshop this afternoon, led by a missionary to Lebanon named Nate Schnelz.  he entitled his workshop, Spiritual Survival in the Field, and he had a lot of good points.
one section in particular stood out to me.
Nate was talking about how we as Westerners are always harping on our rights - he was asking us what our Biblical, or God-given rights are.
he was showing us, from the book of Job, what our God-given rights do not include.

being blameless does not include the right to... 

physical comfort,

safety of ourselves and our loved ones,

health and healing,

abundance of possessions,

sympathetic or wise friends,

an encouraging or supportive spouse,

the respect of our community or a support system at all,

question God's judgment,

an easy life,

a claim to fame,

know why God does what He does,

sleep soundly or wake rested,

control our situations, 

find relief from suffering,

take pride in our accomplishments,

a long life.

these are our earthly expectations, that we aren't actually promised, and yet we strive towards these more often than not.

rather, our gift of righteousness gives us the right to...

become a child of God, John 1:12

eat from the Tree of Life, Revelation 2:7

sit with Jesus on His throne, Revelation 3:21

worship at the exclusive alter in Heaven, Hebrews 13:10

we need to pursue the latter list.

we will not become spiritually dead in our field, 

whether it is a desert field in Lebanon, 

a rural field in Texas, 

or an urban field in Portland.  

our field is where we are now - where we are planting seeds of hope now - where we are watering with the Gospel of Truth now.  the former list is all well and good - but we need to remember to seek first the Kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added unto us.  if we seek them first, we'll come up empty-handed at harvest-time, knowing that our efforts were fruitless, and be cast aside as chaff before the Throne of our Father, instead of being able to enter His courts with praise.