months...and pictures.

can it really have been almost two months since I wrote on here last?
I have been working some on this blog, about my 6-month-long countdown.
but then I was thinking...
I'm really trying not to let this wedding control my life.  it's getting harder.

I'm thrilled to be getting married.

but I'm struggling with this whole image of "marrying my best friend."

I've had a few best friends.





my Ashley.  I met her when I was three.  she's gorgeous.  we're still facebook friends.  we're good.  we're... chill.  we shared a bedroom for a summer.  between her mom's divorce and their move to Texas.  they moved when we were 9.  it broke our hearts.  we exchanged long composition book letters every month, filled with drawings and ticket stubs and memories.  it was fun.  I spent a week at her place outside of Dallas the summer we were 15.  it was the 2nd time we had seen each other in 6 years.

she went to college, the college I "wanted to go to," and majored in pre-law and Russian.  she's teaching with TeachAmerica for this year and then going to law school in the fall.
I saw her again the summer we turned 21, the summer my brother was in the hospital, the summer I started dating Andy.











my Lauren.  the first one.  I met her when I was six.  we were both six.  we're only ten days apart.  our love grew out of piano lessons, horseback riding, corralling our younger siblings, and trying to convince our moms that it was safe to climb trees.  we are definitely still friends.  we text and facebook chat, and try and see each other when I'm in town on breaks.  her love and sacrifice for what matters to her, for who matters to her, is the most amazing testimony of faithfulness for me to witness.  I wish I could ask her to be in my wedding.  I wish I could ask a lot of people to be in my wedding...  Lauren is fantastic.  she really, truly is.





Lauren and Ashley are dear to me, and well-loved.  I am thankful for the impact they had on me, and the lessons they have taught me, and probably have yet to teach me as well.
but God has blessed me with three women I have known my entire life, who all love each other dearly and would do anything for each other.  the four of us, have gone through more adventures and mishaps than I can count, and I am thrilled to know them and count them as my sisters and my greatest joy on earth.






my Jamie.  I met her when I was four. she was five, and we ran barefoot through her grandmother's back yard chasing her rabbits, pretending that we were wild Indians and declaring that our 1/8th of Native American blood was enough to justify our war-whoops.  she is my life, my true blood, my kindred spirit, my sunshine, my soul sister, my lovie pie and my first love.  my maid of honor - and my only woman.  our friendship has endured over 15 years of ups and downs and boys and girls and drama and...  everything.  we have endured more heartbreak and best-friend separation than I ever thought possible, and still we are true to each other.  I cannot count the number of times we have fallen asleep in my bed, hand in hand, cheek to cheek, as we cried each other to sleep, or laughed until we couldn't breathe.  she's been there for every holiday, and on every July 23rd, we celebrate her beautiful life, no matter the shit we endured the year before.  it amazes me that she still loves me, and that she wants to be my future children's auntie. I cannot wait to stand up with her next to me on June 26th.  she is truly one of the most beautiful and God-loving women I know, because she doesn't even know it.  amazing...

my Amy is truly wonderful.  she and her soulmate Scott are the best of friends, and he is so patient with us four girls who have been together for life.  literally. Amy is witty, brilliant, beautiful, loyal, tough, and fearless.  she faces everything with an incredible amount of courage, and even though she gets discouraged, she is a fighter.  I am proud to count her as my best friend, to know that she is someone I can turn to at all hours of the day with my needs, and that she will hear me out and offer support. Amy is dear and special, and I was honored to be in her wedding and to have her in my own.   South Korea seems like some mysterious, magical place, keeping my Amy from me.  I hope it keeps her safe.








my Sarah Arwen.  the single most amazing woman I know. I know she would die for me in a heartbeat - and I truly believe she is one of the only people I would do the same for.  Sarah's heart for the LORD and her spirit of truth keep me sane.  I kinda like to think that I know her like I know my own heart, and I am so blessed to be a part of her life.  South Carolina is awfully far away right now...  thank God for Skype.  I cannot imagine a life without Sarah, and I thank God for her every day.

here we be.  the four of us.  best friends in childhood, sisters in adulthood.  

facing the world together, always, no matter the miles between us.

and then there's this guy...  Andy is, without a doubt, my heart and soul.  I'm thrilled to be his, to be planning a life with the best man I have ever met.  I know he's a work in progress, I know we have struggles and mishaps and times when we both feel scared and inadequate and unable to move forward.  but he is my future, the man God has been preparing for me, and I cannot wait to call him my husband.  he's pretty stinkin' handsome, and I am so blessed by his wisdom, his strength, his practicality when all I can do is run in circles around the kitchen island until he stops me, his laughter when I feel grumpy, his quiet love when we're on the phone and I'm tired of distance, so he just goes quiet so I can imagine him sitting next to me instead of 600 miles away.  I am thankful for his flowers sent because it's Monday, for his texts that talk about babies and Mexican mochas, for his gentleness and silliness when we are together.



the love I have with Andy, is enduring and faithful, and I know that it comes from God and God alone.  there is no other way I could have fallen this hard and this fast for a guy in Kosovo, and stuck it out with only occasional weekend visits for almost 2 years.  he's a good find.  and I'm gonna keep him.
and while that panda baby isn't ours...  we kinda want one of our own.  that we can teach to headbutt to show affection.  it's a good plan.


I have my wonderful family.  those Crazy Hodgsons, whom I adore more than anything in the world.

(everyone except Rebecca, home sick with the flu, and Andrew's dear Amanda)

(I think this sums up my brothers very well.  Peter is completely serious, 

Greg, quietly humouring me, and Chris, in his own dear little world.  I love them.)

and my parents...  the best and dearest friends I know.

I am so blessed by them and their patient mentoring.

I cannot believe I got them as parents AND friends!

I love these people more than anything.
Austin.
Tiina
my roommates,
Elaine and
Lizzie.
and my dearest own Lauren,
who truly is All I Need.
(and I know she reads this...  I'll be nice).



Multnomah is not where I expected to be.  these are the not the people I expected to know.  but God has me here, and I know He has a plan, just like He did when He gave me S, A, and J, to complete SAHJ.  just like He did when He introduced to me to Janie Palin (Tillman), who sort of kind of in a round-about way, introduced me to Andy...

that's Janie and Zac, high school sweethearts turned husband and wife.  I like them.  she's my new sister come 5 months from today, and I cannot wait!

but until then...  I am content with the life and the family God has given me, in every form, in every person, in every experience.  God is faithful.  and I am here.  now.   alive.  and very, very sleepy. 

I love him.  he's my soul in a different body. 

ok, God.

I'm working on a devotional "talk" for a youth group.  about 1 John 4:18, and how we are perfected in our love. I am also thinking about how Christ's strength perfects our weaknesses.  and how that that is a form of His love for us.  because without His love, our world is worthless, our plans meaningless, our love formless.  it is only with Him, with His love, that we can actually look to the future.
I guess I'm just sorting through it...  but I am working on it.  on life.  on figuring out the future God has for us.
but I guess that's the point, right?  this whole thing - it's all about trust...  and letting God direct us.

I guess, I'll post more when I process this a little more.

our God-given rights.

this week, my school is hosting a Global Missions Conference, and all classes are cancelled in lieu of going to the conference (provided we attend as many hours as we normally spend in class).
this year is Multnomah University's 70th Annual Global Missions Conference.
the theme is Harvesting the Desert - God at Work in the Middle East.
I attended a workshop this afternoon, led by a missionary to Lebanon named Nate Schnelz.  he entitled his workshop, Spiritual Survival in the Field, and he had a lot of good points.
one section in particular stood out to me.
Nate was talking about how we as Westerners are always harping on our rights - he was asking us what our Biblical, or God-given rights are.
he was showing us, from the book of Job, what our God-given rights do not include.

being blameless does not include the right to... 

physical comfort,

safety of ourselves and our loved ones,

health and healing,

abundance of possessions,

sympathetic or wise friends,

an encouraging or supportive spouse,

the respect of our community or a support system at all,

question God's judgment,

an easy life,

a claim to fame,

know why God does what He does,

sleep soundly or wake rested,

control our situations, 

find relief from suffering,

take pride in our accomplishments,

a long life.

these are our earthly expectations, that we aren't actually promised, and yet we strive towards these more often than not.

rather, our gift of righteousness gives us the right to...

become a child of God, John 1:12

eat from the Tree of Life, Revelation 2:7

sit with Jesus on His throne, Revelation 3:21

worship at the exclusive alter in Heaven, Hebrews 13:10

we need to pursue the latter list.

we will not become spiritually dead in our field, 

whether it is a desert field in Lebanon, 

a rural field in Texas, 

or an urban field in Portland.  

our field is where we are now - where we are planting seeds of hope now - where we are watering with the Gospel of Truth now.  the former list is all well and good - but we need to remember to seek first the Kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added unto us.  if we seek them first, we'll come up empty-handed at harvest-time, knowing that our efforts were fruitless, and be cast aside as chaff before the Throne of our Father, instead of being able to enter His courts with praise.

blast.

... and there goes my ambition to blog more regularly this year.  oh, well.
life here never seems to slow down.  I don't have more than one weekend-day this whole month to do homework.  I was able to visit my favorite cousin at the beginning of February, which was such a wonderful relaxing time - we hadn't been able to catch up in awhile, and we both welcomed the time to sit down and mess around and enjoy ourselves.  then this last weekend, Andy came to visit for almost 4 full days - it was a great blessing to be able to have time with him in this area of my world, up here in Portland, visiting my coffee shops, Powell's Books, wandering my campus and eating at my Thai place.   basically the best Valentine's weekend ever.  on Saturday, I get to go snow-shoeing, which will be an amazing and crazy-filled day.  and in just one week, I get to fly home to see my Momma for a few days.
which leaves me with an overwhelming amount of homework to cram in at all of the other odd moments of my week.  and I've been left with a surprising moment of clarity.
I'm taking a class on he Life & Thought of CS Lewis.  I needed 2 more Lit. units, and this class sounded fun.  I mean, I love Lewis, I love the prof, I love the books...
anyway.  this class has freaking massive loads of homework.  for some reason...  well, this week, we had to write our own Screwtape letter, about ourselves.  you know - when the more experienced tempter is writing to his nephew, offering advice about how to best distract and convert Christians back to their own dark Lowerarchy.
so I wrote mine.  about time management.  and about converting my pride back to glory for the Father.  my two biggest struggles in my daily life...  you know.  basically spilled my guts into an essay that will be read before my entire class tomorrow.
but then I realized.
I was already falling into the second thing I was struggling with.
pride.  not being able to point the glory back to God.
He's the one with all the good stuff.  it's wonderful.  He blesses me in ways I would have never asked for.  I can't do anything but step back and marvel at His goodness.

2010...?

its 2010.  I was thinking the other day, that I need to be more consistent about blogging.  well.  okay.  thats rather a lie.  I don't NEED to be.  but I'd like to be.  because parts of life should be consistent.  like, I'd rather have consistent times to read and to journal and write.  not for school - but for me.  for God.  for my own sanity.  I get too caught up in the daily ups and downs of life and school and my family, that I so infrequently, and inconsistently, take time for myself.
its 2010.  a new semester, a new schedule, a new set of dos and donts.  I'm back at school - I got here Sunday evening after the single most tumultuous and crazy 3 weeks of my entire life.  between time with Andy & his family, time with my family, helping to start planning 3 weddings and finalizing a 4th, trying to get ahead on the reading for this term, catch up on my sleep...  oh my goodness.  I'm tired just thinking about my break.
but now I'm back in Portland, back in my cozy dorm room here on 82nd St., back with my friends and where my life is, for now, rather focused.  but I'm torn.  I'm scattered.  I'm neither here nor there.  my family is in SoCal.  my love is in Sacramento.  my friends are literally scattered across the country and the world still.  and here I sit.  curled up in my adopted bed.  thinking about all of this.
and staring at the pile of books and projects that are already calling my name, and calling my name very loudly.  I thought taking 16 units would be a relief!  but the relief has not come into focus yet.
maybe I'm looking in the wrong places for relief.
maybe I need to look at the little things...
waking my boyfriend up this morning and spending a few minutes being quiet on the phone.
the note Hannah left on my mirror today.
having at least one good friend in every. single. one. of my 6 classes.
the clouds breaking and parting just as I left work this afternoon.
watching Tiina and Wolfie interact together at last.
getting texts from little brother, who just wanted to say hello.
looking up while sitting at my desk to see my Charlie-Rock Infantry sticker.
a prayer date with Chelsea for this weekend.
a lunch date with Cassie tomorrow.
all of these, and more, like the fact that I'm actually at the same school for more than one semester - that hasn't happened in a couple of years.  how I have 3 of my favorite professors in class this term.  how my projects (for the most part) actually sound exciting AND challenging, not just one or the other.
the hand of God is so evident in my life.  taking time to praise Him, to write about His work in my daily interactions with those around me, shouldn't be something I need to carve time out for.  it should come as quickly and as easily as breathing.  or brewing a cup of coffee...
actually.  I think I'll brew one now.
praise Jesus for coffee.  and for my life.