believe

I was blessed beyond my dreams tonight.

I went to the dentist, to church to take care of some paperwork, to Starbucks for a pick-me-up iced raspberry mocha before work.  it seemed a typical day.

and at work, I was just sitting, taking care of my paperwork, greeting the women as they came into Curves.  

one of the women came up to me after she finished her workout.  her name is Maria Gordon, and she is quite possibly the sweetest lady I know.

she has battled breast cancer for several years -- and she has won.  but she said that she wore a bracelet all through her years with cancer, a bracelet that has the word believe written on it.

it's just one of those simple rubber bracelets, like the ones Lance Armstrong made famous.

she slipped it off her wrist and on to mine, saying, "I've won my battle, dear, with help and with faith -- yours is just beginning.  so wear this on your journey."

after all, I'm leaving the country for three months, to take 18 units with people I have never met before, in a place that I don't speak the language, all while struggling with a headache that has lasted nearly 9 months and counting.

so wear it I shall -- each step of the way, each mini-adventure within my adventure, until I return.  and then, who knows?  maybe I'll find someone else in need of a little bit of faith, someone facing a difficult and exciting time in their life.  

or maybe I'll need it still, to get through this on-going struggle with my headaches.  maybe through faith, and prayer, I can gain back some of the strength that my headaches constantly drain from me.

and maybe I can hand it off, continuing a tradition of love and a spirit of faith.

after all, isn't that all we need?  faith in the love of Christ.

not quite sure.

so, this is just a little something I've been working on.  I don't really know where this came from or where it is going . . . we'll see, I s'pose :-)

I hadn't come home this way in a long time.  Actually, it had been seven years.  And I didn't know why I decided to take that road.  Or why I'm now writing this down.

But go down that road, I did.

The last time I'd been there, I had been a kid -- 14, maybe, on my way home from my older brother's spelling bee.  The day my brother had qualified for nationals.  The day a week before my father and brother left for Washington, D.C., and never came back.  It was the day I first saw him.

Since I had just been along for the ride, I had long since finished the book I had brought to occupy myself with.  I had resorted to counting fence posts along that long, winding country road, trying to stay awake.  But then all of a sudden, the fence posts changed.  They were bigger, simpler, sturdier.  I sat up and looked past the posts.

There was this huge, expansive ranch.  We drove alongside it for several minutes, alongside pastures full of sheep and cattle, before I saw the barns and the three houses.  Before I saw him.

At first glance, he didn't seem to be very unique.  Just a kid on a horse, trailed by two or three dogs.  Blue jeans, t-shirt, boots, baseball cap.  Good steady seat and hands as he guided his mount.  He couldn't have been more than 16 -- just another kid.

And yet . . . 

Something made me do a double-take.  Something made me look harder, to see him clearly.  And something caused me to remember his face.  It was etched into my mind, and in the horrifying weeks to follow that day, that boy's face would come to me at the strangest times, both comforting and bewildering me. 

Fog

the last few days have brought some interesting weather to this area.

there was some severe fog on Thursday and Friday morning.  when I was driving home on Thursday evening, the fog was literally overwhelming.  I could not even see the double-yellow line on the road that night, and the car that passed me seemed to be a mere reddish lump shrouded in the thickest of greys.  I was not too concerned for my safety, I knew the roads I was travelling very well indeed.  but it occurred to me that if I had not known the road as well as I do, or if I had been surrounded by other vehicles, I would have been very concerned indeed.

Friday afternoon, however, the wind picked up, and with the full force of the winter Santana's bearing down, the fog reluctantly swept itself away.  the Santana winds are a funny thing down here is Southern California.  

Santana is Spanish for Devil -- these winds are long, hot, dry winds, blowing in from the east, bringing the heat of the desert down on the cities and people of Riverside and Orange Counties.  these winds always manage to fill our streets and lawns and gutters with leaves, even in the relative "dead of winter" that we experience in this mild temperate zone.  it often seems as tho every speck of dirt in the county is swirling in the Santana air, attacking our dry and cracking lips, tangling in our suddenly static-charged hair.  the heat comes as well, shocking our systems with uncharacteristic weather for January -- 70s, 80s, and occasionally 90s as the winds blow relentlessly.

it often takes a few days for the winds to die down, but when they do, the air is clear and clean and breathtakingly sharp.  there is no longer any hint of fog on the horizon, nor will there be for some time.  the dirt has been cleansed from the air and is not hovering on the edges of the horizon -- it has been driven far away.  the full moon and the brilliantly bright stars shine down from a clear sky, glittering, turning night into day.

I think that in a way, our Christian walk is like the past few days of weather we've had.  sometimes, we get caught in some awful downs, we get cloaked and hooded and confused by the fog.  it may or may not be of our own doing, but we must deal with the consequences that develop.  I was not in any danger during my drive home that night -- but had I been a little more tired, had that other driver had a little more to drink or a little less control of his vehicle, had I not known that the road curved exactly so at that point, the night may have ended quite differently.  

but thank God I knew where I was, and what to expect along the way.  I was slow and careful even while knowing where I was going -- but if I had not known what was coming, my drive would have been incredibly different.

it's the same way with our faith.  we know where we are going.  God has given us a clear and definite picture of our ultimate futures -- we will be with Him in heaven.  and since we were designed to live there, our entire being yearns to join Him there, and to join Him there now.  we know the final destination -- but we have no idea what path He is taking us on to get there.  the roads are shrouded in fog.  we've never taken these roads before, and the directions He left us are only clear with certain aspects of the drive.  some things He has left for us to figure out, with His help, but on our own.  

soon, the winds will come.  and at first we will be grateful -- the winds drive the fog away, and we can see the roads at last.  but soon we might be cursing the winds, for there is a price to pay for the diminished fog.  we are hot now, thirsty and tired, worn-out and dehydrated.  we are caught in the devil winds, struggling for clean air, and attempting to work out our salvation with fear and trembling.

through it all, however, rather wrapped in fog or pounded by the winds, He is there.  He will guide and protect us -- He will steady our steps and soothe our chapped skin.  He is waiting for us, with clear skies and a full moon, until all the fog has been wiped away and all the winds have been calmed.  He is in control, over the weather and over our circumstances.  

"Who is this Man, that even the wind and the seas obey Him?"

it's true -- the weather does obey Him.  how much more, then, should we obey Him?  and should we not obey the One Who sent Him?  there will be patches of fog, and incredible winds, but He will lead us through all of those, and into the clear night when we can bask in the light of His glory.  may the Lord be praised, for His lovingkindness is everlasting!

nothing < everything

have you ever reached the point of knowing that matter what you try to do about it, it just isn't going to work?  and that it's better, albeit harder, to just give up, even when you think you want to push and push and try to make it happen?

because I have.  it isn't so much overwhelming, as it overtakes you.  slowly, and with great reluctance, I have realised that it isn't so much what I have done, or what I am doing, as it is what I have to do.

and I have to surrender.  to just give up.  to let it all go.  to be done.

all that matters is that we . . .  do . . . what is right.  and what is right sometimes feels like what is wrong, but only when we've allowed ourselves to expect that.

I've allowed my own emotions and preferences to take hold where they should never have been.  I've let my own heart lead where I should be following the heart of God.  and now I'm paying the price.  

strangely enough, letting go is actually easier than holding on -- David Crowder thought so too, saying, "letting go gives a better grip -- I'm finding everything I'll ever need by giving up, gaining everything" (Foreverandeverandetc.)

all that matters is that we follow all that matters to Jesus.  He is the one we need, and if letting go of my own selfish desires and ideas means that I'll catch a better grip on what He wants, then that's what I'm going to do.

it's true -- sometimes letting go rips your hand, cuts deep in ways you don't want to feel.  but if it hurts to pull a thorn out of your hand, imagine the pain that would come if you let the thorn rot in your hand, and infect it.  it could kill you.  pulling it out only stings for a bit.

I'm ready for the sting, God.  I'm waiting for You to pull out the thorn.  I'm ready for the pain.

just, please, do it fast.

Leaving Tonight ~ Amy Stroup

You did it again -- feels like you don't want me.  

You're stuck in my head, but you've got nothing for me.

So I'm leaving tonight, not waiting til morning.

I'll look you in the eye, but you've got nothing for me.

So I'm leaving tonight, 'cause it feels right --

No reason to try, for my heart could never catch you.

So I'm leaving tonight, 'cause it feels right --

No reason to try, oh, 'cause you've got nothing for me, 

Oh, 'cause you've got nothing for me.

I'll call my friends, they'll save a table for me.

We'll talk about you -- I bet they won't ignore me.

'Cause I'm leaving tonight, not waiting til morning.

Look at you one last time, but you've got nothing for me.

So I'm leaving tonight, 'cause it feels right --

No reason to try, for my heart could never catch you.

So I'm leaving tonight, 'cause it feels right --

No reason to try, oh, 'cause you've got nothing for me, 

Oh, 'cause you've got nothing for me.

So I'm leaving tonight, 'cause it feels right --

No reason to try, oh, my heart could never catch you.

So I'm leaving tonight, 'cause it feels right --

No reason to try, oh, 'cause you've got nothing for me, 

Oh, 'cause you've got nothing for me.

You have nothing for me.

You have nothing for me . . .

A different take on Christmas . . .

Isaiah 9:6 -- for to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on His shoulders, and He will be called, Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Luke 2:25-32 -- Now there was a man in Jerusalem called Simeon, who was righteous and devout. He was waiting for the consolation of Israel, and the Holy Spirit was upon him. It had been revealed to him by the Holy Spirit that he would not die before he had seen the Lord's Christ. Moved by the Spirit, he went into the temple courts. When the parents brought in the child Jesus to do for him what the custom of the Law required, Simeon took him in his arms and praised God, saying:  "Sovereign Lord, as you have promised, you now dismiss your servant in peace.  For my eyes have seen your salvation, which you have prepared in the sight of all people,  a light for revelation to the Gentiles and for glory to your people Israel."

I John 3:8 -- "The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil's work."

at Christmas-time, talk seems to revolve around peace and joy and goodness and love . . . and these are all well and good.  after all, Jesus did come to give us these things, to be our salvation and our peace and our life.

but there is more than this behind Christmas.  more than tinsel and lights, even more than the manger scene.  too often we get caught up in these, and we fail to see the big picture of what Christmas is really about.

Christ came to free us from a lifestyle of sin.  He came to save us, and to eradicate, annihilate, and completely destroy the work of the devil in our lives.  He is the only one who can save us -- but Satan is not the only one who can enslave us.  

for when Christ saves up from our sin, He frees us from the entangling lifestyle Satan had us bound in.  we feel, at times, that we are trapped in an endless cycle, that we can't get out -- but He has already freed us!  the only thing holding us back now is lines we ourselves have drawn around us to contain us.

this Christmas, we should break free -- and live our lives the way Christ intended us to.   

John 10:10 -- "I have come that you might have life, and that you might have it more abundantly"

John 6:67-69 -- "You do not want to leave too, do you?" Jesus asked the Twelve. Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.  We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God."