2010...?

its 2010.  I was thinking the other day, that I need to be more consistent about blogging.  well.  okay.  thats rather a lie.  I don't NEED to be.  but I'd like to be.  because parts of life should be consistent.  like, I'd rather have consistent times to read and to journal and write.  not for school - but for me.  for God.  for my own sanity.  I get too caught up in the daily ups and downs of life and school and my family, that I so infrequently, and inconsistently, take time for myself.
its 2010.  a new semester, a new schedule, a new set of dos and donts.  I'm back at school - I got here Sunday evening after the single most tumultuous and crazy 3 weeks of my entire life.  between time with Andy & his family, time with my family, helping to start planning 3 weddings and finalizing a 4th, trying to get ahead on the reading for this term, catch up on my sleep...  oh my goodness.  I'm tired just thinking about my break.
but now I'm back in Portland, back in my cozy dorm room here on 82nd St., back with my friends and where my life is, for now, rather focused.  but I'm torn.  I'm scattered.  I'm neither here nor there.  my family is in SoCal.  my love is in Sacramento.  my friends are literally scattered across the country and the world still.  and here I sit.  curled up in my adopted bed.  thinking about all of this.
and staring at the pile of books and projects that are already calling my name, and calling my name very loudly.  I thought taking 16 units would be a relief!  but the relief has not come into focus yet.
maybe I'm looking in the wrong places for relief.
maybe I need to look at the little things...
waking my boyfriend up this morning and spending a few minutes being quiet on the phone.
the note Hannah left on my mirror today.
having at least one good friend in every. single. one. of my 6 classes.
the clouds breaking and parting just as I left work this afternoon.
watching Tiina and Wolfie interact together at last.
getting texts from little brother, who just wanted to say hello.
looking up while sitting at my desk to see my Charlie-Rock Infantry sticker.
a prayer date with Chelsea for this weekend.
a lunch date with Cassie tomorrow.
all of these, and more, like the fact that I'm actually at the same school for more than one semester - that hasn't happened in a couple of years.  how I have 3 of my favorite professors in class this term.  how my projects (for the most part) actually sound exciting AND challenging, not just one or the other.
the hand of God is so evident in my life.  taking time to praise Him, to write about His work in my daily interactions with those around me, shouldn't be something I need to carve time out for.  it should come as quickly and as easily as breathing.  or brewing a cup of coffee...
actually.  I think I'll brew one now.
praise Jesus for coffee.  and for my life.

carrying our cross... with help

so... my friend Lisa actually gets the credit for this.
she realized the other day, how "not even Jesus, after taking up His cross, carried it by Himself" (Lisa Spriggs, 8 December 2009).
and I realized I had actually never seen that before.
I mean. I know the story. about Simon. and how the Romans pulled him, unsuspecting, from the crowd to help the battered and bruised Son of Man to carry His rough-hewn cross through the crowds filling Jerusalem. I know the story.
but Jesus. needed help. to carry His cross.

but... then I started thinking about it...
and I looked it up in Matthew:
16:24-25: "Then Jesus said to His disciples, 'If anyone would come after Me, He must deny Himself and take up His cross and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for Me will find it.'"
27:33-33: "As they were going out, they met a man from Cyrene, named Simon, and they forced him to carry the cross. They came to a place called Golgotha."

so then I really started thinking.
we are relational people, made in the image of God, built on the concept of the Trinity. we are made to reach out to those around, and to feel them reaching to us. we are empty without people.
we are given specific crosses to carry, crosses that bring us to the ground, that weigh on our souls and our bodies and our minds, that distract us from our vocations and our callings. they are often very much our vocations and our callings, yet the Enemy is skillful, distracting us from what God would have us be focused on. they are heavy. we weep as we make our slow, and painful, way up the hill to the Place of the Skull.
yet... we have people in the crowd. we have a Simon of Cyrene. we all need this sort of friend, to fill a gap in our lives when we need it the most. God is so generous to provide us with a Simon.

actually. I have several.

God is so good. when I moved up to Portland, I was scared of a few things.
I was afraid that I'd lose the friends from home. that I'd lose the friends from Jessup. that I'd lose touch with my friends from Italy. I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to make new friends when I got up here.
but God is generous. He is good. and He is faithful.

carrying our cross can be so lonely. it is hard, it is heavy, it is a nightmare on so many levels. but we are simply not meant to go it alone. we need to look out for those around us, to take the opportunities to fill the shoes of Simon. and along with that... we need to be open to the Simon waiting for us. when they step in to help us, we need to accept their grace with grace. love their love with love.

I am so thankful for those who help me carry my cross, who bear my burdens, who sing over my sorrows, who rejoice with me. I hope and pray that I can be there for them, and for others, when they need my shoulder to cry on, to life up their cross and carry it with them.


thanks to you, my friends. thanks to You, my God.

a response...

Last summer, I had a really hard go of it - I'd made some poor choices after getting home from Europe, didn't really listen to God for a few weeks.  I wrote this poem after coming to my senses (it's already been posted on here...)


break free:
broken promise, broken dream -- he
told me what my heart could believe.
and believe I did, despite the
signs, ready as always, to turn the
tide. I need to bide my time. to
realize that there is one (of so few!)
to keep his promise, to grant my
dream, to shield me from the sigh
that inevitably escapes in relief
as soon as he starts to speak,
"I'm sorry." once he apologizes, he
has given his only gift to me --
a slightly more bruised and battered,
but ever more walled and guarded,
heart. distrust, it seems, has claimed me.
but someday I will break free.






I have learned a lot these 6 months since I wrote the above.  from God, from my friends, from Andy.  and, like every good lesson, they deserve a response:


excellent way:
a spoken promise, a gentle dream - he
tells my heart what it should believe.
and believe I will, despite the
fears, broken as always, ready to turn the
tide - I've waited my whole life, to
realize that there is one of very few
to keep his promise, to grant my
dream, to shield me from the sigh
that inevitably haunted me, to show
as soon and as frequently as he speaks,
that while sometimes he will apologize, he
has given his only gift to me -- 
a slightly more precious and healed,
and ever more  trustful and guarded,
heart.  distrust, it seems, has fallen away.
love has taught me a still more excellent way.

leaves

there are a few leaves on the trees,
clinging, shuddering in the breeze,
attempting to wait out the coming freeze.
there are a few drops in the air,
falling, landing here and there,
attempting to dampen spirits - not fair!
I think my faith is like the leaves, and
the enemy is like the rain - I am clinging,
barely holding on, digging my fingernails
into what I cannot control, yet want to.
he is flinging his poison raindrops of despair
into my eyes, onto my heavy spirit.
I know - I have to let go - the leaves must fall -
the rain drops must form puddles - and all
must go .  even when it is not fair.
but I can jump in the puddles.
I can rake together the leaves.
spring will come.
spring will always come.

dear world,

i am writing to you, to tell you about myself.  some things need to be set straight.  it seems that i have built a false image of myself,  and that needs to be torn down.  are you prepared?  this could be emotional - not for me, i have wrestled with this for quite some time.  but i hope that you are able to sort through this.
part of this, is to debunk the myths.  and part, i guess, is to ask you to help me break this false image, to bring to light who i truly am.

myth one.
i am shy.
ha.  if you knew me, and not the facade I can put on at whim, you would know this is simply not the case.  i want to have a deep and real relationship with you - but it must be reciprocal, see, or it is neither deep nor real.  so if you see me putting up my facade, stop me.  ask me the questions you know i need to answer.  please don't let me get away with half-hearted responses, or that look i can get when i'm setting my will.
i'd rather we both have a little bit of hurt feelings now, then i never grow.

myth two.
i am nice.
ok.  well.  you remember that front i can put up?  this is another facet of that.  i can look nice, feel nice, sound nice ... but the truth is, i AM a sinful person, and i don't always want to be nice.  and even when i act nice ... that's not always what i'm thinking.  i can get genuinely frustrated very quickly.  i can start to throw a temper tantrum - and i'm almost 21!  so if you see me pursuing my lips, starting to get sarcastic, or offering short and snippy responses ... put your hand on my arm.  help me hear what i'm saying and see what i'm doing.  it'll help.  i might glare at you, try to shake you off, but in the long run, we'll both be glad you did, especially if it means i didn't hurt someone.

myth three.
i don't care what you think.
hmm.  in a sense, this is true, in that i know i have an identity other than the one you decide to grace me with.  but at the same time, it doesn't mean i always remember my true identity.  i get tired - i get anxious - i want to please you - i want to blend in - and sometimes that means that i'll do anything to maintain that alluring independence.  but that's not what i want ... i want to be dependent, on my savior, on my man, on my friends, to get through my day and my problems.  it's just hard, to change who i am, overnight, or even over 3 months.  i'm still getting used to a) having a boyfriend, and b) knowing that he wants to take care of me and give me things.  so i DO care what you think about me - and i'd do anything to make sure it was all good things - but at the same time, i do want my independent dependence.  is that ok?

i guess, what i'm trying to say, dear world, is that life is far more complicated than i ever thought it would be.  i'm tired of fighting, and i'm tired of having to stand up for what i believe in.
i am a daughter, a sister, a lover, a friend - i'm not a fighter except for what's right, and not a leaver unless i'm leaving something wrong.  i'll stand by my friends no matter what - i'll stand against you for them.  i will not back down, either.

all that to say ... i think i'm lonely.  i want to be held.