dear world,

i am writing to you, to tell you about myself.  some things need to be set straight.  it seems that i have built a false image of myself,  and that needs to be torn down.  are you prepared?  this could be emotional - not for me, i have wrestled with this for quite some time.  but i hope that you are able to sort through this.
part of this, is to debunk the myths.  and part, i guess, is to ask you to help me break this false image, to bring to light who i truly am.

myth one.
i am shy.
ha.  if you knew me, and not the facade I can put on at whim, you would know this is simply not the case.  i want to have a deep and real relationship with you - but it must be reciprocal, see, or it is neither deep nor real.  so if you see me putting up my facade, stop me.  ask me the questions you know i need to answer.  please don't let me get away with half-hearted responses, or that look i can get when i'm setting my will.
i'd rather we both have a little bit of hurt feelings now, then i never grow.

myth two.
i am nice.
ok.  well.  you remember that front i can put up?  this is another facet of that.  i can look nice, feel nice, sound nice ... but the truth is, i AM a sinful person, and i don't always want to be nice.  and even when i act nice ... that's not always what i'm thinking.  i can get genuinely frustrated very quickly.  i can start to throw a temper tantrum - and i'm almost 21!  so if you see me pursuing my lips, starting to get sarcastic, or offering short and snippy responses ... put your hand on my arm.  help me hear what i'm saying and see what i'm doing.  it'll help.  i might glare at you, try to shake you off, but in the long run, we'll both be glad you did, especially if it means i didn't hurt someone.

myth three.
i don't care what you think.
hmm.  in a sense, this is true, in that i know i have an identity other than the one you decide to grace me with.  but at the same time, it doesn't mean i always remember my true identity.  i get tired - i get anxious - i want to please you - i want to blend in - and sometimes that means that i'll do anything to maintain that alluring independence.  but that's not what i want ... i want to be dependent, on my savior, on my man, on my friends, to get through my day and my problems.  it's just hard, to change who i am, overnight, or even over 3 months.  i'm still getting used to a) having a boyfriend, and b) knowing that he wants to take care of me and give me things.  so i DO care what you think about me - and i'd do anything to make sure it was all good things - but at the same time, i do want my independent dependence.  is that ok?

i guess, what i'm trying to say, dear world, is that life is far more complicated than i ever thought it would be.  i'm tired of fighting, and i'm tired of having to stand up for what i believe in.
i am a daughter, a sister, a lover, a friend - i'm not a fighter except for what's right, and not a leaver unless i'm leaving something wrong.  i'll stand by my friends no matter what - i'll stand against you for them.  i will not back down, either.

all that to say ... i think i'm lonely.  i want to be held.