even when I feel caught in the twisting swirl of friends, family, studies, sleep ... life has a way of moving forward, slowly changing over time to create something beautiful out of who I used to be.
I get so tired, though, of struggling through my day - of struggling through everyone else's day, of the constant calls, texts, Skype conversations, Instant Messages, Facebook posts, that occur on an hourly basis, asking for my prayers, advice, company. as much as I love my friends, this happening makes me think of these three things:
- the scene in Bruce Almighty, when he sets up the prayers as e-mails.
- something Andy said to me, in August.
- the Love of my Father.
e-mailing is one of those wonderful inventions that are supposed to make our life easier, but have thus far only served to annoy me. there's not much I prefer over a long, hand-written letter, or a short, thinking-of-you note in my mailbox. and yet I find myself living through my e-mail account, both my personal one, and the one I use for work and school. e-mails dictate my life. and it is SO EASY to dig myself into a hole, through the time I put into e-mails, and what say in them.
similarly, when Bruce organizes the prayer requests of Buffalo, NY, into e-mails, he finds himself falling into a hole. he is unable to cope with the sheer numbers of the requests, unable to fathom the emotions and the needs behind them, unable to realize the ramifications of his decision to say, "YES!" to each and every e-mail in his in-box.
as the movie later shows, this leads to utter chaos in Buffalo and in Bruce's personal life.
my thought is this ... what makes me think that I can serve as God's e-mail router for problems, requests, and issues that arise in my life and the lives of my friends? I. Am. Not. The. Father. so why do I continually act as though I can replace Him?
it is not my responsibility to handle the daily issues that my friends face, nor to offer advice to solve their dilemmas. it is merely my responsibility to pray for them, to lend a shoulder to cry on, to point them to who CAN solve their problems.
I was fairly sick, the weekend before moving to Portland. this was a point of frustration in my life, as I had packing to finish and good-byes to make. I never did see 5 of my closest friends that weekend - my twins, Becca and Steph, or Sarah and Amy, my closest friends since 3rd grade, or Cory, my Best Man. instead, I left work early on Friday, and spent the next two days curled into my bed, sleeping, reading, and sleeping some more.
thankfully, I do have my trusty laptop - and I spent several hours Skype-chatting with Andy. I was so sick, though, that I occasionally fell asleep while we were chatting, and my poor boyfriend waited over an hour for a response to a relatively simple question.
when I woke up with a start, realizing that I had left Andy without meaning to, I apologized to him - I felt terrible! but his response both startled and soothed me.
"being with you doesn't always have to mean we're talking. sometimes, the silence on either end, is more than enough. I know you're there - I know you care about me - even when you're quiet. just like if I have a bad day, it doesn't mean I stop caring about you. I'm here for you in the silence parts of the day, too. all I need, is to know that you'll be there for me."
the thing I've learned about God this semester, in my first six weeks at Multnomah University, nestled up here at 85th & Glisan, in the Northeast quadrant of Portland, Oregon ...
the thing I've learned, is that God is there for those around me. He is more than ready and more than willing to listen to their problems, even when I am, too. He is their sufficency, their strength, their breath of life. there is nothing they can face, that He cannot handle. while He doesn't have to resort to a text message or an e-mail, He is infinitely more Instant than a Skype conversation ever could be.
He is there for me in the silences of my day. be it on the walk from class to class, the moments before I get out of bed, the seconds it takes for a call to go through at work - He is there. He is waiting with open arms to replenish my soul. to fill me up again. to show me His will for my life. it is enough for Him to know that I seek His face - but it is not enough for Him for me to simply know He is there. I know He cares for me, and I know I adore Him. but do I show it?
or am I too caught in the mentality that I can just shoot Him an e-mail, so to speak, to throw a prayer heavenwards when I need it the most? shouldn't my time with Him be more intentional? more meaningful? more precious? I know He is there when I'm quiet, just as Andy is when I fall asleep during a conversation. but I don't short-change my boyfriend on our meaningful conversations - he gets my full attention as often as I can give it to him.
how much more then, should I give God my full attention? and not as often as I can, but DAILY. each hour. each moment. offering my life as a living sacrifice - not as an e-mail, but as a letter. hand-written, labored over in love, long and full and detailed. He gave His life for mine. shouldn't I offer mine to Him?
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