waiting on His plans

things are so hard. I want so badly for things to go well, for all to work out according to that great, fantastic plan that I KNOW God has for me. but knowing that He has a plan doesn't make any of this any easier.

I realized today that I've brought all this on myself. not necessarily through any particular area of sin, unless you count weakness as a sin. but rather, because I've been recognizing areas of my life that need growth. and I've been praying about those areas.

like an idiot, I've been praying about those areas.

you know what they say -- don't pray about anything if you aren't prepared to learn it. for God doesn't just hand us what we ask for, as nice as that might seem at the time. but where would be the growth in that? He does hand us opportunities to call on Him, to learn what we've asked Him for.

be it patience, peace, strength, love for those I'm in conflict with -- He knows where my weaknesses are, and He has called these weaknesses to my attention. it's just so hard, because I've been struggling with so much. and I know that I have so much more to learn. and, frankly, that terrifies me. I'm scared of what I've brought upon myself. I'm terrified of the areas I need to grow in. I'm nervous about the situations that will present themselves as "classrooms" and "field experiences" that will offer me opportunities to learn and practice what I need so desperately to know.

and I think that's the worst part. I so desperately need these weaknesses to becomes strengths. I need to know that everything will work out -- but that requires peace. I need to step back and let God handle everything in His timing -- but that requires patience. I need to get through all of the challenges life brings my way -- but that requires strength. I need to be a beacon to those around me, even when I'd rather just be irritated and irritable -- but that requires love.

but I'm broken. I have inner turmoil and frustration when I need peace. I leap to conclusions and take matters into my own hands when I need patience. I break down and turn away from challenges when I need strength. I lash out and hurt those around me when I need love.

He knows how frail and imperfect I am. and yet . . .

and yet He loves me. He helps me learn to lean on Him, to turn these areas of kneeling and sobbing weakness into incredible, shining, God-breathed moments of prayer and strength and praise.
and those moments are worth all the heartache of the learning process.

nothing good in this world has come to us without sorrow and tears. and nothing wonderful has come to us without growing pains.

thank God for grace, for His unshakable grace that offers so much to the broken-hearted.



Phil Wickham -- I Will Wait For You There

I will wait for You there
Down on my knees where I met You
Give You all of my cares
Find a grace to hold onto now
I’m calling for You

I will wait for You there
far from the world and it’s violence
It left broken and bare
I need to hear You in the silence now
I’m calling for You

And with outstretched arms
I will sing out melodies
And my beating heart
Will pour out a symphony
Hallelujah’s in the morning
Hallelujah’s in the night
I will wait for you as long as I have life

I will wait for You there
Down On my knees where I met you
Cause life is a war fought with tears
But You are the strength I hold onto now
I’m calling for You