to a specific few - AL. CF. SF. AT.

I wish...
that I had started that paper earlier.
that I had stuck it out for a double major.
that I had stopped texting in classes.
that you hadn't laughed when I told you secrets.
that you hadn't ever touched me.
that you hadn't gone to Belize with me.
that I had spent more time in Italy.
that I had spent more time with that family on the train to Bologna.
that I had spent more money on memories and less on coffee.
that you had been able to see my true heart.
that you had believed that I was truly in pain.
that you had been willing to be a true friend.
that I was less stubborn.
that I was less lazy.
that I was less discouraged.
that you were more dedicated.
that you were more persevering.
that you were more willing to be a mentor.
that I was willing to see truth.
that I was willing to listen to You sooner.
that I was willing to stand up for myself.
that you...
that you were less of a cruel man.
that you were less of a selfish man.
that you were less of a lying man.
I wish that the promises you broke were written in the sky, so people would read it instead of asking me.
I wish that the wounds you gave me were real ones, so people would see the scars instead of the fake smile.
I wish that the heartache you dealt me was erased, so people would know me again instead of the shell.

or do I?
do I wish I hadn't learned those lessons?  made those memories?  lived with those people?
am I really going to throw out the experiences of these last 4 years with the simple, "I wish things were different," or am I going to take the last 4 years and DO something with them?
if I throw them out.  I am no better off than AL, CF, SF, and AT.
I am worse, actually.  because I have their lessons, and the truth they gave me, and I still walked away.
so it might be painful, especially now.  but I won't walk away from my memories.
who I am, is not defined by my past, but rather by how I choose to deal with the past - and by how I choose to deal with the present.

getting found.

I think I got lost somewhere.
somewhere alone the way,
I woke up to a sudden realization that
nothing was, as they say,
ideal.
all was empty.
seven short seconds.
'all I want to say is,
take off my ring now.'

I never meant to take a break.
I never meant to say goodbye.
I never wanted to not hear your voice.
but something is missing now.
someone is missing now.

you aren't the man I thought.
and I lost the woman I was.

we are both missing, you and I.
and until we find the person He would have us be,
we are useless to one another.

take your time.
take your life.

we have time.
we'll have life.

all I want to say is, I loved you.
I loved you, which is why,
I am going to say the words I never wanted.
goodbye.  and good luck.
and God bless you,
God keep you,
God make His face to shine upon you,
God be gracious to you,
God lift His countenance to you,
God give you peace, and
God give you a future, and a hope.

a future without me.
I see that now.
I hope you do, too.

I've gone to find myself.
should you return when I am gone,
maybe wait a bit.
God has me on this path.
I think I'll be back.

broken promises...
sometimes they heal.
sometimes they fade.

sometimes you never know why.

maybe someday I'll get found.
but for now, I'll get sleep.

months...and pictures.

can it really have been almost two months since I wrote on here last?
I have been working some on this blog, about my 6-month-long countdown.
but then I was thinking...
I'm really trying not to let this wedding control my life.  it's getting harder.

I'm thrilled to be getting married.

but I'm struggling with this whole image of "marrying my best friend."

I've had a few best friends.





my Ashley.  I met her when I was three.  she's gorgeous.  we're still facebook friends.  we're good.  we're... chill.  we shared a bedroom for a summer.  between her mom's divorce and their move to Texas.  they moved when we were 9.  it broke our hearts.  we exchanged long composition book letters every month, filled with drawings and ticket stubs and memories.  it was fun.  I spent a week at her place outside of Dallas the summer we were 15.  it was the 2nd time we had seen each other in 6 years.

she went to college, the college I "wanted to go to," and majored in pre-law and Russian.  she's teaching with TeachAmerica for this year and then going to law school in the fall.
I saw her again the summer we turned 21, the summer my brother was in the hospital, the summer I started dating Andy.











my Lauren.  the first one.  I met her when I was six.  we were both six.  we're only ten days apart.  our love grew out of piano lessons, horseback riding, corralling our younger siblings, and trying to convince our moms that it was safe to climb trees.  we are definitely still friends.  we text and facebook chat, and try and see each other when I'm in town on breaks.  her love and sacrifice for what matters to her, for who matters to her, is the most amazing testimony of faithfulness for me to witness.  I wish I could ask her to be in my wedding.  I wish I could ask a lot of people to be in my wedding...  Lauren is fantastic.  she really, truly is.





Lauren and Ashley are dear to me, and well-loved.  I am thankful for the impact they had on me, and the lessons they have taught me, and probably have yet to teach me as well.
but God has blessed me with three women I have known my entire life, who all love each other dearly and would do anything for each other.  the four of us, have gone through more adventures and mishaps than I can count, and I am thrilled to know them and count them as my sisters and my greatest joy on earth.






my Jamie.  I met her when I was four. she was five, and we ran barefoot through her grandmother's back yard chasing her rabbits, pretending that we were wild Indians and declaring that our 1/8th of Native American blood was enough to justify our war-whoops.  she is my life, my true blood, my kindred spirit, my sunshine, my soul sister, my lovie pie and my first love.  my maid of honor - and my only woman.  our friendship has endured over 15 years of ups and downs and boys and girls and drama and...  everything.  we have endured more heartbreak and best-friend separation than I ever thought possible, and still we are true to each other.  I cannot count the number of times we have fallen asleep in my bed, hand in hand, cheek to cheek, as we cried each other to sleep, or laughed until we couldn't breathe.  she's been there for every holiday, and on every July 23rd, we celebrate her beautiful life, no matter the shit we endured the year before.  it amazes me that she still loves me, and that she wants to be my future children's auntie. I cannot wait to stand up with her next to me on June 26th.  she is truly one of the most beautiful and God-loving women I know, because she doesn't even know it.  amazing...

my Amy is truly wonderful.  she and her soulmate Scott are the best of friends, and he is so patient with us four girls who have been together for life.  literally. Amy is witty, brilliant, beautiful, loyal, tough, and fearless.  she faces everything with an incredible amount of courage, and even though she gets discouraged, she is a fighter.  I am proud to count her as my best friend, to know that she is someone I can turn to at all hours of the day with my needs, and that she will hear me out and offer support. Amy is dear and special, and I was honored to be in her wedding and to have her in my own.   South Korea seems like some mysterious, magical place, keeping my Amy from me.  I hope it keeps her safe.








my Sarah Arwen.  the single most amazing woman I know. I know she would die for me in a heartbeat - and I truly believe she is one of the only people I would do the same for.  Sarah's heart for the LORD and her spirit of truth keep me sane.  I kinda like to think that I know her like I know my own heart, and I am so blessed to be a part of her life.  South Carolina is awfully far away right now...  thank God for Skype.  I cannot imagine a life without Sarah, and I thank God for her every day.

here we be.  the four of us.  best friends in childhood, sisters in adulthood.  

facing the world together, always, no matter the miles between us.

and then there's this guy...  Andy is, without a doubt, my heart and soul.  I'm thrilled to be his, to be planning a life with the best man I have ever met.  I know he's a work in progress, I know we have struggles and mishaps and times when we both feel scared and inadequate and unable to move forward.  but he is my future, the man God has been preparing for me, and I cannot wait to call him my husband.  he's pretty stinkin' handsome, and I am so blessed by his wisdom, his strength, his practicality when all I can do is run in circles around the kitchen island until he stops me, his laughter when I feel grumpy, his quiet love when we're on the phone and I'm tired of distance, so he just goes quiet so I can imagine him sitting next to me instead of 600 miles away.  I am thankful for his flowers sent because it's Monday, for his texts that talk about babies and Mexican mochas, for his gentleness and silliness when we are together.



the love I have with Andy, is enduring and faithful, and I know that it comes from God and God alone.  there is no other way I could have fallen this hard and this fast for a guy in Kosovo, and stuck it out with only occasional weekend visits for almost 2 years.  he's a good find.  and I'm gonna keep him.
and while that panda baby isn't ours...  we kinda want one of our own.  that we can teach to headbutt to show affection.  it's a good plan.


I have my wonderful family.  those Crazy Hodgsons, whom I adore more than anything in the world.

(everyone except Rebecca, home sick with the flu, and Andrew's dear Amanda)

(I think this sums up my brothers very well.  Peter is completely serious, 

Greg, quietly humouring me, and Chris, in his own dear little world.  I love them.)

and my parents...  the best and dearest friends I know.

I am so blessed by them and their patient mentoring.

I cannot believe I got them as parents AND friends!

I love these people more than anything.
Austin.
Tiina
my roommates,
Elaine and
Lizzie.
and my dearest own Lauren,
who truly is All I Need.
(and I know she reads this...  I'll be nice).



Multnomah is not where I expected to be.  these are the not the people I expected to know.  but God has me here, and I know He has a plan, just like He did when He gave me S, A, and J, to complete SAHJ.  just like He did when He introduced to me to Janie Palin (Tillman), who sort of kind of in a round-about way, introduced me to Andy...

that's Janie and Zac, high school sweethearts turned husband and wife.  I like them.  she's my new sister come 5 months from today, and I cannot wait!

but until then...  I am content with the life and the family God has given me, in every form, in every person, in every experience.  God is faithful.  and I am here.  now.   alive.  and very, very sleepy. 

I love him.  he's my soul in a different body. 

ok, God.

I'm working on a devotional "talk" for a youth group.  about 1 John 4:18, and how we are perfected in our love. I am also thinking about how Christ's strength perfects our weaknesses.  and how that that is a form of His love for us.  because without His love, our world is worthless, our plans meaningless, our love formless.  it is only with Him, with His love, that we can actually look to the future.
I guess I'm just sorting through it...  but I am working on it.  on life.  on figuring out the future God has for us.
but I guess that's the point, right?  this whole thing - it's all about trust...  and letting God direct us.

I guess, I'll post more when I process this a little more.

our God-given rights.

this week, my school is hosting a Global Missions Conference, and all classes are cancelled in lieu of going to the conference (provided we attend as many hours as we normally spend in class).
this year is Multnomah University's 70th Annual Global Missions Conference.
the theme is Harvesting the Desert - God at Work in the Middle East.
I attended a workshop this afternoon, led by a missionary to Lebanon named Nate Schnelz.  he entitled his workshop, Spiritual Survival in the Field, and he had a lot of good points.
one section in particular stood out to me.
Nate was talking about how we as Westerners are always harping on our rights - he was asking us what our Biblical, or God-given rights are.
he was showing us, from the book of Job, what our God-given rights do not include.

being blameless does not include the right to... 

physical comfort,

safety of ourselves and our loved ones,

health and healing,

abundance of possessions,

sympathetic or wise friends,

an encouraging or supportive spouse,

the respect of our community or a support system at all,

question God's judgment,

an easy life,

a claim to fame,

know why God does what He does,

sleep soundly or wake rested,

control our situations, 

find relief from suffering,

take pride in our accomplishments,

a long life.

these are our earthly expectations, that we aren't actually promised, and yet we strive towards these more often than not.

rather, our gift of righteousness gives us the right to...

become a child of God, John 1:12

eat from the Tree of Life, Revelation 2:7

sit with Jesus on His throne, Revelation 3:21

worship at the exclusive alter in Heaven, Hebrews 13:10

we need to pursue the latter list.

we will not become spiritually dead in our field, 

whether it is a desert field in Lebanon, 

a rural field in Texas, 

or an urban field in Portland.  

our field is where we are now - where we are planting seeds of hope now - where we are watering with the Gospel of Truth now.  the former list is all well and good - but we need to remember to seek first the Kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added unto us.  if we seek them first, we'll come up empty-handed at harvest-time, knowing that our efforts were fruitless, and be cast aside as chaff before the Throne of our Father, instead of being able to enter His courts with praise.

blast.

... and there goes my ambition to blog more regularly this year.  oh, well.
life here never seems to slow down.  I don't have more than one weekend-day this whole month to do homework.  I was able to visit my favorite cousin at the beginning of February, which was such a wonderful relaxing time - we hadn't been able to catch up in awhile, and we both welcomed the time to sit down and mess around and enjoy ourselves.  then this last weekend, Andy came to visit for almost 4 full days - it was a great blessing to be able to have time with him in this area of my world, up here in Portland, visiting my coffee shops, Powell's Books, wandering my campus and eating at my Thai place.   basically the best Valentine's weekend ever.  on Saturday, I get to go snow-shoeing, which will be an amazing and crazy-filled day.  and in just one week, I get to fly home to see my Momma for a few days.
which leaves me with an overwhelming amount of homework to cram in at all of the other odd moments of my week.  and I've been left with a surprising moment of clarity.
I'm taking a class on he Life & Thought of CS Lewis.  I needed 2 more Lit. units, and this class sounded fun.  I mean, I love Lewis, I love the prof, I love the books...
anyway.  this class has freaking massive loads of homework.  for some reason...  well, this week, we had to write our own Screwtape letter, about ourselves.  you know - when the more experienced tempter is writing to his nephew, offering advice about how to best distract and convert Christians back to their own dark Lowerarchy.
so I wrote mine.  about time management.  and about converting my pride back to glory for the Father.  my two biggest struggles in my daily life...  you know.  basically spilled my guts into an essay that will be read before my entire class tomorrow.
but then I realized.
I was already falling into the second thing I was struggling with.
pride.  not being able to point the glory back to God.
He's the one with all the good stuff.  it's wonderful.  He blesses me in ways I would have never asked for.  I can't do anything but step back and marvel at His goodness.

2010...?

its 2010.  I was thinking the other day, that I need to be more consistent about blogging.  well.  okay.  thats rather a lie.  I don't NEED to be.  but I'd like to be.  because parts of life should be consistent.  like, I'd rather have consistent times to read and to journal and write.  not for school - but for me.  for God.  for my own sanity.  I get too caught up in the daily ups and downs of life and school and my family, that I so infrequently, and inconsistently, take time for myself.
its 2010.  a new semester, a new schedule, a new set of dos and donts.  I'm back at school - I got here Sunday evening after the single most tumultuous and crazy 3 weeks of my entire life.  between time with Andy & his family, time with my family, helping to start planning 3 weddings and finalizing a 4th, trying to get ahead on the reading for this term, catch up on my sleep...  oh my goodness.  I'm tired just thinking about my break.
but now I'm back in Portland, back in my cozy dorm room here on 82nd St., back with my friends and where my life is, for now, rather focused.  but I'm torn.  I'm scattered.  I'm neither here nor there.  my family is in SoCal.  my love is in Sacramento.  my friends are literally scattered across the country and the world still.  and here I sit.  curled up in my adopted bed.  thinking about all of this.
and staring at the pile of books and projects that are already calling my name, and calling my name very loudly.  I thought taking 16 units would be a relief!  but the relief has not come into focus yet.
maybe I'm looking in the wrong places for relief.
maybe I need to look at the little things...
waking my boyfriend up this morning and spending a few minutes being quiet on the phone.
the note Hannah left on my mirror today.
having at least one good friend in every. single. one. of my 6 classes.
the clouds breaking and parting just as I left work this afternoon.
watching Tiina and Wolfie interact together at last.
getting texts from little brother, who just wanted to say hello.
looking up while sitting at my desk to see my Charlie-Rock Infantry sticker.
a prayer date with Chelsea for this weekend.
a lunch date with Cassie tomorrow.
all of these, and more, like the fact that I'm actually at the same school for more than one semester - that hasn't happened in a couple of years.  how I have 3 of my favorite professors in class this term.  how my projects (for the most part) actually sound exciting AND challenging, not just one or the other.
the hand of God is so evident in my life.  taking time to praise Him, to write about His work in my daily interactions with those around me, shouldn't be something I need to carve time out for.  it should come as quickly and as easily as breathing.  or brewing a cup of coffee...
actually.  I think I'll brew one now.
praise Jesus for coffee.  and for my life.

carrying our cross... with help

so... my friend Lisa actually gets the credit for this.
she realized the other day, how "not even Jesus, after taking up His cross, carried it by Himself" (Lisa Spriggs, 8 December 2009).
and I realized I had actually never seen that before.
I mean. I know the story. about Simon. and how the Romans pulled him, unsuspecting, from the crowd to help the battered and bruised Son of Man to carry His rough-hewn cross through the crowds filling Jerusalem. I know the story.
but Jesus. needed help. to carry His cross.

but... then I started thinking about it...
and I looked it up in Matthew:
16:24-25: "Then Jesus said to His disciples, 'If anyone would come after Me, He must deny Himself and take up His cross and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for Me will find it.'"
27:33-33: "As they were going out, they met a man from Cyrene, named Simon, and they forced him to carry the cross. They came to a place called Golgotha."

so then I really started thinking.
we are relational people, made in the image of God, built on the concept of the Trinity. we are made to reach out to those around, and to feel them reaching to us. we are empty without people.
we are given specific crosses to carry, crosses that bring us to the ground, that weigh on our souls and our bodies and our minds, that distract us from our vocations and our callings. they are often very much our vocations and our callings, yet the Enemy is skillful, distracting us from what God would have us be focused on. they are heavy. we weep as we make our slow, and painful, way up the hill to the Place of the Skull.
yet... we have people in the crowd. we have a Simon of Cyrene. we all need this sort of friend, to fill a gap in our lives when we need it the most. God is so generous to provide us with a Simon.

actually. I have several.

God is so good. when I moved up to Portland, I was scared of a few things.
I was afraid that I'd lose the friends from home. that I'd lose the friends from Jessup. that I'd lose touch with my friends from Italy. I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to make new friends when I got up here.
but God is generous. He is good. and He is faithful.

carrying our cross can be so lonely. it is hard, it is heavy, it is a nightmare on so many levels. but we are simply not meant to go it alone. we need to look out for those around us, to take the opportunities to fill the shoes of Simon. and along with that... we need to be open to the Simon waiting for us. when they step in to help us, we need to accept their grace with grace. love their love with love.

I am so thankful for those who help me carry my cross, who bear my burdens, who sing over my sorrows, who rejoice with me. I hope and pray that I can be there for them, and for others, when they need my shoulder to cry on, to life up their cross and carry it with them.


thanks to you, my friends. thanks to You, my God.

a response...

Last summer, I had a really hard go of it - I'd made some poor choices after getting home from Europe, didn't really listen to God for a few weeks.  I wrote this poem after coming to my senses (it's already been posted on here...)


break free:
broken promise, broken dream -- he
told me what my heart could believe.
and believe I did, despite the
signs, ready as always, to turn the
tide. I need to bide my time. to
realize that there is one (of so few!)
to keep his promise, to grant my
dream, to shield me from the sigh
that inevitably escapes in relief
as soon as he starts to speak,
"I'm sorry." once he apologizes, he
has given his only gift to me --
a slightly more bruised and battered,
but ever more walled and guarded,
heart. distrust, it seems, has claimed me.
but someday I will break free.






I have learned a lot these 6 months since I wrote the above.  from God, from my friends, from Andy.  and, like every good lesson, they deserve a response:


excellent way:
a spoken promise, a gentle dream - he
tells my heart what it should believe.
and believe I will, despite the
fears, broken as always, ready to turn the
tide - I've waited my whole life, to
realize that there is one of very few
to keep his promise, to grant my
dream, to shield me from the sigh
that inevitably haunted me, to show
as soon and as frequently as he speaks,
that while sometimes he will apologize, he
has given his only gift to me -- 
a slightly more precious and healed,
and ever more  trustful and guarded,
heart.  distrust, it seems, has fallen away.
love has taught me a still more excellent way.

leaves

there are a few leaves on the trees,
clinging, shuddering in the breeze,
attempting to wait out the coming freeze.
there are a few drops in the air,
falling, landing here and there,
attempting to dampen spirits - not fair!
I think my faith is like the leaves, and
the enemy is like the rain - I am clinging,
barely holding on, digging my fingernails
into what I cannot control, yet want to.
he is flinging his poison raindrops of despair
into my eyes, onto my heavy spirit.
I know - I have to let go - the leaves must fall -
the rain drops must form puddles - and all
must go .  even when it is not fair.
but I can jump in the puddles.
I can rake together the leaves.
spring will come.
spring will always come.

dear world,

i am writing to you, to tell you about myself.  some things need to be set straight.  it seems that i have built a false image of myself,  and that needs to be torn down.  are you prepared?  this could be emotional - not for me, i have wrestled with this for quite some time.  but i hope that you are able to sort through this.
part of this, is to debunk the myths.  and part, i guess, is to ask you to help me break this false image, to bring to light who i truly am.

myth one.
i am shy.
ha.  if you knew me, and not the facade I can put on at whim, you would know this is simply not the case.  i want to have a deep and real relationship with you - but it must be reciprocal, see, or it is neither deep nor real.  so if you see me putting up my facade, stop me.  ask me the questions you know i need to answer.  please don't let me get away with half-hearted responses, or that look i can get when i'm setting my will.
i'd rather we both have a little bit of hurt feelings now, then i never grow.

myth two.
i am nice.
ok.  well.  you remember that front i can put up?  this is another facet of that.  i can look nice, feel nice, sound nice ... but the truth is, i AM a sinful person, and i don't always want to be nice.  and even when i act nice ... that's not always what i'm thinking.  i can get genuinely frustrated very quickly.  i can start to throw a temper tantrum - and i'm almost 21!  so if you see me pursuing my lips, starting to get sarcastic, or offering short and snippy responses ... put your hand on my arm.  help me hear what i'm saying and see what i'm doing.  it'll help.  i might glare at you, try to shake you off, but in the long run, we'll both be glad you did, especially if it means i didn't hurt someone.

myth three.
i don't care what you think.
hmm.  in a sense, this is true, in that i know i have an identity other than the one you decide to grace me with.  but at the same time, it doesn't mean i always remember my true identity.  i get tired - i get anxious - i want to please you - i want to blend in - and sometimes that means that i'll do anything to maintain that alluring independence.  but that's not what i want ... i want to be dependent, on my savior, on my man, on my friends, to get through my day and my problems.  it's just hard, to change who i am, overnight, or even over 3 months.  i'm still getting used to a) having a boyfriend, and b) knowing that he wants to take care of me and give me things.  so i DO care what you think about me - and i'd do anything to make sure it was all good things - but at the same time, i do want my independent dependence.  is that ok?

i guess, what i'm trying to say, dear world, is that life is far more complicated than i ever thought it would be.  i'm tired of fighting, and i'm tired of having to stand up for what i believe in.
i am a daughter, a sister, a lover, a friend - i'm not a fighter except for what's right, and not a leaver unless i'm leaving something wrong.  i'll stand by my friends no matter what - i'll stand against you for them.  i will not back down, either.

all that to say ... i think i'm lonely.  i want to be held.

a toast ...

I borrowed this from an old friend's blog.  I think I'm going to adopt it on my 21st next month.






"You see, over a year ago, I had a best friend named Gina. She and I were both single and loved to go out together. We would almost always order a glass of wine (or a girly, fruity drink in my case). One night, we decided that we should have a specific thing to toast to every time we got together. I volunteered to write the toast. I took it very seriously :). I went to a park, sat down for about an hour, and came up with the following. I know that it's mushy and girly, but deal with it!

Although God has answered this prayer/toast in Gina's life by bringing her an amazing man with whom to share her life, it is still a prayer for my own life that I hope to one day see answered."


A Toast

To surrendering our hearts to their ultimate Lover

To giving up our dreams to their original Author

To working faithfully on what our God has set before us

To our continued pursuit of righteousness and faith

To living this life we have been given listening to the voice of our loving Father and not that of the Enemy

To not letting our hopes for tomorrow speak louder than our divine calling for today

To building our character to that of Biblical proportions

To the sovereignty of the Creator’s hand and the perfection of His timing

To finding men like Timothy—passionate, mature in faith
and obedient to the Spirit’s leading

To men who are courageous in heart, adventurous in spirit, solid in faith
and strong in Godly character

To one day seeing the goodness of the Lord in the smiles of our children
and the embrace of our soul mate

And, finally, to having fun and faith while we wait.

To fun and faith!


~Amanda Hubbard

Bruce Almighty? Heather Almighty? LORD Almighty.

life, it seems, has a way of continuing on.
even when I feel caught in the twisting swirl of friends, family, studies, sleep ... life has a way of moving forward, slowly changing over time to create something beautiful out of who I used to be.
I get so tired, though, of struggling through my day - of struggling through everyone else's day, of the constant calls, texts, Skype conversations, Instant Messages, Facebook posts, that occur on an hourly basis, asking for my prayers, advice, company. as much as I love my friends, this happening makes me think of these three things:

• the scene in Bruce Almighty, when he sets up the prayers as e-mails.
• something Andy said to me, in August.
• the Love of my Father.

in Bruce Almighty, as you probably know, Bruce has been given the powers and responsibilities of God (but only in the greater Buffalo area ...). Bruce is overwhelmed by the amount of prayers he is constantly inundated with, so he tries creative ways to organize them. Post-its only annoy him, filing is disturbing. he turns to e-mails.
e-mailing is one of those wonderful inventions that are supposed to make our life easier, but have thus far only served to annoy me. there's not much I prefer over a long, hand-written letter, or a short, thinking-of-you note in my mailbox. and yet I find myself living through my e-mail account, both my personal one, and the one I use for work and school. e-mails dictate my life. and it is SO EASY to dig myself into a hole, through the time I put into e-mails, and what say in them.
similarly, when Bruce organizes the prayer requests of Buffalo, NY, into e-mails, he finds himself falling into a hole. he is unable to cope with the sheer numbers of the requests, unable to fathom the emotions and the needs behind them, unable to realize the ramifications of his decision to say, "YES!" to each and every e-mail in his in-box.
as the movie later shows, this leads to utter chaos in Buffalo and in Bruce's personal life.
my thought is this ... what makes me think that I can serve as God's e-mail router for problems, requests, and issues that arise in my life and the lives of my friends? I. Am. Not. The. Father. so why do I continually act as though I can replace Him?
it is not my responsibility to handle the daily issues that my friends face, nor to offer advice to solve their dilemmas. it is merely my responsibility to pray for them, to lend a shoulder to cry on, to point them to who CAN solve their problems.

I was fairly sick, the weekend before moving to Portland. this was a point of frustration in my life, as I had packing to finish and good-byes to make. I never did see 5 of my closest friends that weekend - my twins, Becca and Steph, or Sarah and Amy, my closest friends since 3rd grade, or Cory, my Best Man. instead, I left work early on Friday, and spent the next two days curled into my bed, sleeping, reading, and sleeping some more.
thankfully, I do have my trusty laptop - and I spent several hours Skype-chatting with Andy. I was so sick, though, that I occasionally fell asleep while we were chatting, and my poor boyfriend waited over an hour for a response to a relatively simple question.
when I woke up with a start, realizing that I had left Andy without meaning to, I apologized to him - I felt terrible! but his response both startled and soothed me.
"being with you doesn't always have to mean we're talking. sometimes, the silence on either end, is more than enough. I know you're there - I know you care about me - even when you're quiet. just like if I have a bad day, it doesn't mean I stop caring about you. I'm here for you in the silence parts of the day, too. all I need, is to know that you'll be there for me."

the thing I've learned about God this semester, in my first six weeks at Multnomah University, nestled up here at 85th & Glisan, in the Northeast quadrant of Portland, Oregon ...
the thing I've learned, is that God is there for those around me. He is more than ready and more than willing to listen to their problems, even when I am, too. He is their sufficency, their strength, their breath of life. there is nothing they can face, that He cannot handle. while He doesn't have to resort to a text message or an e-mail, He is infinitely more Instant than a Skype conversation ever could be.
He is there for me in the silences of my day. be it on the walk from class to class, the moments before I get out of bed, the seconds it takes for a call to go through at work - He is there. He is waiting with open arms to replenish my soul. to fill me up again. to show me His will for my life. it is enough for Him to know that I seek His face - but it is not enough for Him for me to simply know He is there. I know He cares for me, and I know I adore Him. but do I show it?
or am I too caught in the mentality that I can just shoot Him an e-mail, so to speak, to throw a prayer heavenwards when I need it the most? shouldn't my time with Him be more intentional? more meaningful? more precious? I know He is there when I'm quiet, just as Andy is when I fall asleep during a conversation. but I don't short-change my boyfriend on our meaningful conversations - he gets my full attention as often as I can give it to him.
how much more then, should I give God my full attention? and not as often as I can, but DAILY. each hour. each moment. offering my life as a living sacrifice - not as an e-mail, but as a letter. hand-written, labored over in love, long and full and detailed. He gave His life for mine. shouldn't I offer mine to Him?

kaleidescope.

Growing up is a scary thing --
from skinned knees to bruised hearts,
from running through the sprinklers
to running to far-away parts
that change and shift into a kaleidescope
of colors, you see, that mirror life.
Growing tall is a dangerous thing --
you hit your head on the bunk bed,
you lose your favorite jeans to capris,
it's harder and harder to keep you fed
with physical and spiritual food alike
as you dodge the flying bullets of life.
Growing in love is a hurtful thing --
do you trust him, do you flee,
do the hidden parts of you manage
to become seen, to break free
and explain who you are inside?
Because the one who stays through
memories is the one who stays for life.

thoughts.scribblings.mine.theirs.

Yearly.
if summer is the season of one's spirit,
and autumn the season of one's mind,
then winter is the time for one's body to unwind,
and spring the time to lift one again, for fear it
is lost in the yearly progression of moments.
.:hdh:.

"If God makes a way, it'd be a sin to stay;
if God closes a door, a fool asks for more."
Ryan McDarmind.

Come Out.
"if you fly away, i'll with you stay,
forever & ever again, with you in Never-land.
instead of telling stories, i could be your story,
forever & ever again, with you in Never-land ..."
.:hdh:.

"The grass isn't greener on the other side. Sorry.
If you want green grass ... Start watering your lawn."
Doug Fields.

Portland.
finding souls in the city is
rather more difficult than
finding souls in the vineyard.
the city is distracting, bustling,
caffeine-dripped.
the vineyard is quiet, calming,
dew-dropped.
but it is not the vineyard
where souls collide --
the Garden of Olives, where
decisions are made,
and the city, where
hearts are altered,
collide in the vineyard
of my memories.
i need to take the vineyard,
and the Garden of Olives,
and live in this city.
.:hdh:.

"But none of this was in my grand plan!
None of this is what I wanted in life!"
"Sometimes life has different plans for us,
than what we wanted. That's life."
Marley&Me.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for,
and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1

Popsicles

I don't know if you noticed,
but our childhood has flown by.
I don't know how it happened -
it was in the blink of an eye.
Somehow, I lost my wide-eyed innocence;
dolls are replaced by cars and other joys.
My mind and my efforts pursue different
choices than picking out my favorite toys.
I can remember summers long past
of fighting to catch the very last drop
of Popsicles before they melt and
land at my feet with a 'plop.'
I don't understand it; I vowed
to never grow up. But I guess
Never-never Land truly is
only imaginary pixie dust.
So choose your happy thought, hold it very tight -
and never give up Popsicles without a fight.

break free.

broken promise, broken dream -- he
told me what my heart could believe.
and believe I did, despite the
signs, ready as always, to turn the
tide. I need to bide my time. to
realize that there is one (of so few!)
to keep his promise, to grant my
dream, to shield me from the sigh
that inevitably escapes in relief
as soon as he starts to speak,
"I'm sorry." once he apologizes, he
has given his only gift to me --
a slightly more bruised and battered,
but ever more walled and guarded,
heart. distrust, it seems, has claimed me.
but someday I will break free.

untitled.

"... just to trust You."
that's a simple thing to say, to think,
but sometimes I find that it is difficult to
maintain, to keep a grip on it in the thick
of life. I shudder when life says, 'boo,'
when life throws a twist into my path
that forces me to turn my eyes back to You.
to turn them back -- that's a laugh.
I should never have lost sight of the true
guidance that I can find in the only steady
and straight aspect of my twisting and blue
tinted, frustrating life. I think I'm ready,
God, ready to trust in You, to see You
now as I should have been all along,
to realize that my take on what I see as new
is in actuality only true when I fall headlong
into this simple fact: that I belong with You.

driftwood

if the darkest moment comes before 
the dawn,
if the storm always precedes
the calm,
if confusion has to surrender
to peace,
if striving always gives way
to ease --
if Your way has to conquer 
my will,
if I must be thirsty before I drink
my fill,
will You darken my heart?
bring a storm to tear me apart?
confuse me, stir up my thoughts,
then empty me of my empty drought?
and slowly, from the broken pieces
of who I was, create Your peace
of glory in me, from these pieces 
of driftwood.

believe

I was blessed beyond my dreams tonight.

I went to the dentist, to church to take care of some paperwork, to Starbucks for a pick-me-up iced raspberry mocha before work.  it seemed a typical day.

and at work, I was just sitting, taking care of my paperwork, greeting the women as they came into Curves.  

one of the women came up to me after she finished her workout.  her name is Maria Gordon, and she is quite possibly the sweetest lady I know.

she has battled breast cancer for several years -- and she has won.  but she said that she wore a bracelet all through her years with cancer, a bracelet that has the word believe written on it.

it's just one of those simple rubber bracelets, like the ones Lance Armstrong made famous.

she slipped it off her wrist and on to mine, saying, "I've won my battle, dear, with help and with faith -- yours is just beginning.  so wear this on your journey."

after all, I'm leaving the country for three months, to take 18 units with people I have never met before, in a place that I don't speak the language, all while struggling with a headache that has lasted nearly 9 months and counting.

so wear it I shall -- each step of the way, each mini-adventure within my adventure, until I return.  and then, who knows?  maybe I'll find someone else in need of a little bit of faith, someone facing a difficult and exciting time in their life.  

or maybe I'll need it still, to get through this on-going struggle with my headaches.  maybe through faith, and prayer, I can gain back some of the strength that my headaches constantly drain from me.

and maybe I can hand it off, continuing a tradition of love and a spirit of faith.

after all, isn't that all we need?  faith in the love of Christ.