nothing < everything

have you ever reached the point of knowing that matter what you try to do about it, it just isn't going to work?  and that it's better, albeit harder, to just give up, even when you think you want to push and push and try to make it happen?

because I have.  it isn't so much overwhelming, as it overtakes you.  slowly, and with great reluctance, I have realised that it isn't so much what I have done, or what I am doing, as it is what I have to do.

and I have to surrender.  to just give up.  to let it all go.  to be done.

all that matters is that we . . .  do . . . what is right.  and what is right sometimes feels like what is wrong, but only when we've allowed ourselves to expect that.

I've allowed my own emotions and preferences to take hold where they should never have been.  I've let my own heart lead where I should be following the heart of God.  and now I'm paying the price.  

strangely enough, letting go is actually easier than holding on -- David Crowder thought so too, saying, "letting go gives a better grip -- I'm finding everything I'll ever need by giving up, gaining everything" (Foreverandeverandetc.)

all that matters is that we follow all that matters to Jesus.  He is the one we need, and if letting go of my own selfish desires and ideas means that I'll catch a better grip on what He wants, then that's what I'm going to do.

it's true -- sometimes letting go rips your hand, cuts deep in ways you don't want to feel.  but if it hurts to pull a thorn out of your hand, imagine the pain that would come if you let the thorn rot in your hand, and infect it.  it could kill you.  pulling it out only stings for a bit.

I'm ready for the sting, God.  I'm waiting for You to pull out the thorn.  I'm ready for the pain.

just, please, do it fast.

Leaving Tonight ~ Amy Stroup

You did it again -- feels like you don't want me.  

You're stuck in my head, but you've got nothing for me.

So I'm leaving tonight, not waiting til morning.

I'll look you in the eye, but you've got nothing for me.

So I'm leaving tonight, 'cause it feels right --

No reason to try, for my heart could never catch you.

So I'm leaving tonight, 'cause it feels right --

No reason to try, oh, 'cause you've got nothing for me, 

Oh, 'cause you've got nothing for me.

I'll call my friends, they'll save a table for me.

We'll talk about you -- I bet they won't ignore me.

'Cause I'm leaving tonight, not waiting til morning.

Look at you one last time, but you've got nothing for me.

So I'm leaving tonight, 'cause it feels right --

No reason to try, for my heart could never catch you.

So I'm leaving tonight, 'cause it feels right --

No reason to try, oh, 'cause you've got nothing for me, 

Oh, 'cause you've got nothing for me.

So I'm leaving tonight, 'cause it feels right --

No reason to try, oh, my heart could never catch you.

So I'm leaving tonight, 'cause it feels right --

No reason to try, oh, 'cause you've got nothing for me, 

Oh, 'cause you've got nothing for me.

You have nothing for me.

You have nothing for me . . .

A different take on Christmas . . .

Isaiah 9:6 -- for to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on His shoulders, and He will be called, Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Luke 2:25-32 -- Now there was a man in Jerusalem called Simeon, who was righteous and devout. He was waiting for the consolation of Israel, and the Holy Spirit was upon him. It had been revealed to him by the Holy Spirit that he would not die before he had seen the Lord's Christ. Moved by the Spirit, he went into the temple courts. When the parents brought in the child Jesus to do for him what the custom of the Law required, Simeon took him in his arms and praised God, saying:  "Sovereign Lord, as you have promised, you now dismiss your servant in peace.  For my eyes have seen your salvation, which you have prepared in the sight of all people,  a light for revelation to the Gentiles and for glory to your people Israel."

I John 3:8 -- "The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil's work."

at Christmas-time, talk seems to revolve around peace and joy and goodness and love . . . and these are all well and good.  after all, Jesus did come to give us these things, to be our salvation and our peace and our life.

but there is more than this behind Christmas.  more than tinsel and lights, even more than the manger scene.  too often we get caught up in these, and we fail to see the big picture of what Christmas is really about.

Christ came to free us from a lifestyle of sin.  He came to save us, and to eradicate, annihilate, and completely destroy the work of the devil in our lives.  He is the only one who can save us -- but Satan is not the only one who can enslave us.  

for when Christ saves up from our sin, He frees us from the entangling lifestyle Satan had us bound in.  we feel, at times, that we are trapped in an endless cycle, that we can't get out -- but He has already freed us!  the only thing holding us back now is lines we ourselves have drawn around us to contain us.

this Christmas, we should break free -- and live our lives the way Christ intended us to.   

John 10:10 -- "I have come that you might have life, and that you might have it more abundantly"

John 6:67-69 -- "You do not want to leave too, do you?" Jesus asked the Twelve. Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.  We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God."

waiting to go

I'm travelling home today. I'll be home for six weeks, to see my family and friends, to regain my strength and sanity after a semester of 18 units and choir and a job and working in the library.

I'll be able to sleep and talk with my brothers, to visit neighbours and friends I haven't seen in months. I'll write my own poetry, read others' poetry, and read what I want to. It'll be refreshing, renewing, and preparation for what is to come.

Because, in six weeks, I'll be leaving for New York City. There I will enjoy two days in my older brother's company before I leave for Venice, Italy.

And once in Venice, I shall most likely have the experience of a lifetime. I'll be studying Bible, missions, literature, history, art, and Italian with 30 other students. We will live together, read together, pray together, work together, share together, study together, grow together. 3 blessed months of exploring Italy and Europe with people I have never met before.


Even when I get home, tho', back to the States -- I'll still be waiting. There is always something to wait on.

God will carry me on, and up, and through, no matter what comes my way. All I have to do is trust in Him.


"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Psalm 3:5-6
"Don't worry about tomorrow; He's got it under control. Just trust in the LORD, and follow Him through, and He will carry you home." Trust, Sixpence None the Richer

waiting on His plans

things are so hard. I want so badly for things to go well, for all to work out according to that great, fantastic plan that I KNOW God has for me. but knowing that He has a plan doesn't make any of this any easier.

I realized today that I've brought all this on myself. not necessarily through any particular area of sin, unless you count weakness as a sin. but rather, because I've been recognizing areas of my life that need growth. and I've been praying about those areas.

like an idiot, I've been praying about those areas.

you know what they say -- don't pray about anything if you aren't prepared to learn it. for God doesn't just hand us what we ask for, as nice as that might seem at the time. but where would be the growth in that? He does hand us opportunities to call on Him, to learn what we've asked Him for.

be it patience, peace, strength, love for those I'm in conflict with -- He knows where my weaknesses are, and He has called these weaknesses to my attention. it's just so hard, because I've been struggling with so much. and I know that I have so much more to learn. and, frankly, that terrifies me. I'm scared of what I've brought upon myself. I'm terrified of the areas I need to grow in. I'm nervous about the situations that will present themselves as "classrooms" and "field experiences" that will offer me opportunities to learn and practice what I need so desperately to know.

and I think that's the worst part. I so desperately need these weaknesses to becomes strengths. I need to know that everything will work out -- but that requires peace. I need to step back and let God handle everything in His timing -- but that requires patience. I need to get through all of the challenges life brings my way -- but that requires strength. I need to be a beacon to those around me, even when I'd rather just be irritated and irritable -- but that requires love.

but I'm broken. I have inner turmoil and frustration when I need peace. I leap to conclusions and take matters into my own hands when I need patience. I break down and turn away from challenges when I need strength. I lash out and hurt those around me when I need love.

He knows how frail and imperfect I am. and yet . . .

and yet He loves me. He helps me learn to lean on Him, to turn these areas of kneeling and sobbing weakness into incredible, shining, God-breathed moments of prayer and strength and praise.
and those moments are worth all the heartache of the learning process.

nothing good in this world has come to us without sorrow and tears. and nothing wonderful has come to us without growing pains.

thank God for grace, for His unshakable grace that offers so much to the broken-hearted.



Phil Wickham -- I Will Wait For You There

I will wait for You there
Down on my knees where I met You
Give You all of my cares
Find a grace to hold onto now
I’m calling for You

I will wait for You there
far from the world and it’s violence
It left broken and bare
I need to hear You in the silence now
I’m calling for You

And with outstretched arms
I will sing out melodies
And my beating heart
Will pour out a symphony
Hallelujah’s in the morning
Hallelujah’s in the night
I will wait for you as long as I have life

I will wait for You there
Down On my knees where I met you
Cause life is a war fought with tears
But You are the strength I hold onto now
I’m calling for You