i am writing to you, to tell you about myself. some things need to be set straight. it seems that i have built a false image of myself, and that needs to be torn down. are you prepared? this could be emotional - not for me, i have wrestled with this for quite some time. but i hope that you are able to sort through this.
part of this, is to debunk the myths. and part, i guess, is to ask you to help me break this false image, to bring to light who i truly am.
myth one.
i am shy.
ha. if you knew me, and not the facade I can put on at whim, you would know this is simply not the case. i want to have a deep and real relationship with you - but it must be reciprocal, see, or it is neither deep nor real. so if you see me putting up my facade, stop me. ask me the questions you know i need to answer. please don't let me get away with half-hearted responses, or that look i can get when i'm setting my will.
i'd rather we both have a little bit of hurt feelings now, then i never grow.
myth two.
i am nice.
ok. well. you remember that front i can put up? this is another facet of that. i can look nice, feel nice, sound nice ... but the truth is, i AM a sinful person, and i don't always want to be nice. and even when i act nice ... that's not always what i'm thinking. i can get genuinely frustrated very quickly. i can start to throw a temper tantrum - and i'm almost 21! so if you see me pursuing my lips, starting to get sarcastic, or offering short and snippy responses ... put your hand on my arm. help me hear what i'm saying and see what i'm doing. it'll help. i might glare at you, try to shake you off, but in the long run, we'll both be glad you did, especially if it means i didn't hurt someone.
myth three.
i don't care what you think.
hmm. in a sense, this is true, in that i know i have an identity other than the one you decide to grace me with. but at the same time, it doesn't mean i always remember my true identity. i get tired - i get anxious - i want to please you - i want to blend in - and sometimes that means that i'll do anything to maintain that alluring independence. but that's not what i want ... i want to be dependent, on my savior, on my man, on my friends, to get through my day and my problems. it's just hard, to change who i am, overnight, or even over 3 months. i'm still getting used to a) having a boyfriend, and b) knowing that he wants to take care of me and give me things. so i DO care what you think about me - and i'd do anything to make sure it was all good things - but at the same time, i do want my independent dependence. is that ok?
i guess, what i'm trying to say, dear world, is that life is far more complicated than i ever thought it would be. i'm tired of fighting, and i'm tired of having to stand up for what i believe in.
i am a daughter, a sister, a lover, a friend - i'm not a fighter except for what's right, and not a leaver unless i'm leaving something wrong. i'll stand by my friends no matter what - i'll stand against you for them. i will not back down, either.
all that to say ... i think i'm lonely. i want to be held.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
a toast ...
I borrowed this from an old friend's blog. I think I'm going to adopt it on my 21st next month.
"You see, over a year ago, I had a best friend named Gina. She and I were both single and loved to go out together. We would almost always order a glass of wine (or a girly, fruity drink in my case). One night, we decided that we should have a specific thing to toast to every time we got together. I volunteered to write the toast. I took it very seriously :). I went to a park, sat down for about an hour, and came up with the following. I know that it's mushy and girly, but deal with it!
Although God has answered this prayer/toast in Gina's life by bringing her an amazing man with whom to share her life, it is still a prayer for my own life that I hope to one day see answered."
A Toast
To surrendering our hearts to their ultimate Lover
To giving up our dreams to their original Author
To working faithfully on what our God has set before us
To our continued pursuit of righteousness and faith
To living this life we have been given listening to the voice of our loving Father and not that of the Enemy
To not letting our hopes for tomorrow speak louder than our divine calling for today
To building our character to that of Biblical proportions
To the sovereignty of the Creator’s hand and the perfection of His timing
To finding men like Timothy—passionate, mature in faith
and obedient to the Spirit’s leading
To men who are courageous in heart, adventurous in spirit, solid in faith
and strong in Godly character
To one day seeing the goodness of the Lord in the smiles of our children
and the embrace of our soul mate
And, finally, to having fun and faith while we wait.
To fun and faith!
~Amanda Hubbard
"You see, over a year ago, I had a best friend named Gina. She and I were both single and loved to go out together. We would almost always order a glass of wine (or a girly, fruity drink in my case). One night, we decided that we should have a specific thing to toast to every time we got together. I volunteered to write the toast. I took it very seriously :). I went to a park, sat down for about an hour, and came up with the following. I know that it's mushy and girly, but deal with it!
Although God has answered this prayer/toast in Gina's life by bringing her an amazing man with whom to share her life, it is still a prayer for my own life that I hope to one day see answered."
A Toast
To surrendering our hearts to their ultimate Lover
To giving up our dreams to their original Author
To working faithfully on what our God has set before us
To our continued pursuit of righteousness and faith
To living this life we have been given listening to the voice of our loving Father and not that of the Enemy
To not letting our hopes for tomorrow speak louder than our divine calling for today
To building our character to that of Biblical proportions
To the sovereignty of the Creator’s hand and the perfection of His timing
To finding men like Timothy—passionate, mature in faith
and obedient to the Spirit’s leading
To men who are courageous in heart, adventurous in spirit, solid in faith
and strong in Godly character
To one day seeing the goodness of the Lord in the smiles of our children
and the embrace of our soul mate
And, finally, to having fun and faith while we wait.
To fun and faith!
~Amanda Hubbard
Friday, October 9, 2009
Bruce Almighty? Heather Almighty? LORD Almighty.
life, it seems, has a way of continuing on.
even when I feel caught in the twisting swirl of friends, family, studies, sleep ... life has a way of moving forward, slowly changing over time to create something beautiful out of who I used to be.
I get so tired, though, of struggling through my day - of struggling through everyone else's day, of the constant calls, texts, Skype conversations, Instant Messages, Facebook posts, that occur on an hourly basis, asking for my prayers, advice, company. as much as I love my friends, this happening makes me think of these three things:
e-mailing is one of those wonderful inventions that are supposed to make our life easier, but have thus far only served to annoy me. there's not much I prefer over a long, hand-written letter, or a short, thinking-of-you note in my mailbox. and yet I find myself living through my e-mail account, both my personal one, and the one I use for work and school. e-mails dictate my life. and it is SO EASY to dig myself into a hole, through the time I put into e-mails, and what say in them.
similarly, when Bruce organizes the prayer requests of Buffalo, NY, into e-mails, he finds himself falling into a hole. he is unable to cope with the sheer numbers of the requests, unable to fathom the emotions and the needs behind them, unable to realize the ramifications of his decision to say, "YES!" to each and every e-mail in his in-box.
as the movie later shows, this leads to utter chaos in Buffalo and in Bruce's personal life.
my thought is this ... what makes me think that I can serve as God's e-mail router for problems, requests, and issues that arise in my life and the lives of my friends? I. Am. Not. The. Father. so why do I continually act as though I can replace Him?
it is not my responsibility to handle the daily issues that my friends face, nor to offer advice to solve their dilemmas. it is merely my responsibility to pray for them, to lend a shoulder to cry on, to point them to who CAN solve their problems.
I was fairly sick, the weekend before moving to Portland. this was a point of frustration in my life, as I had packing to finish and good-byes to make. I never did see 5 of my closest friends that weekend - my twins, Becca and Steph, or Sarah and Amy, my closest friends since 3rd grade, or Cory, my Best Man. instead, I left work early on Friday, and spent the next two days curled into my bed, sleeping, reading, and sleeping some more.
thankfully, I do have my trusty laptop - and I spent several hours Skype-chatting with Andy. I was so sick, though, that I occasionally fell asleep while we were chatting, and my poor boyfriend waited over an hour for a response to a relatively simple question.
when I woke up with a start, realizing that I had left Andy without meaning to, I apologized to him - I felt terrible! but his response both startled and soothed me.
"being with you doesn't always have to mean we're talking. sometimes, the silence on either end, is more than enough. I know you're there - I know you care about me - even when you're quiet. just like if I have a bad day, it doesn't mean I stop caring about you. I'm here for you in the silence parts of the day, too. all I need, is to know that you'll be there for me."
the thing I've learned about God this semester, in my first six weeks at Multnomah University, nestled up here at 85th & Glisan, in the Northeast quadrant of Portland, Oregon ...
the thing I've learned, is that God is there for those around me. He is more than ready and more than willing to listen to their problems, even when I am, too. He is their sufficency, their strength, their breath of life. there is nothing they can face, that He cannot handle. while He doesn't have to resort to a text message or an e-mail, He is infinitely more Instant than a Skype conversation ever could be.
He is there for me in the silences of my day. be it on the walk from class to class, the moments before I get out of bed, the seconds it takes for a call to go through at work - He is there. He is waiting with open arms to replenish my soul. to fill me up again. to show me His will for my life. it is enough for Him to know that I seek His face - but it is not enough for Him for me to simply know He is there. I know He cares for me, and I know I adore Him. but do I show it?
or am I too caught in the mentality that I can just shoot Him an e-mail, so to speak, to throw a prayer heavenwards when I need it the most? shouldn't my time with Him be more intentional? more meaningful? more precious? I know He is there when I'm quiet, just as Andy is when I fall asleep during a conversation. but I don't short-change my boyfriend on our meaningful conversations - he gets my full attention as often as I can give it to him.
how much more then, should I give God my full attention? and not as often as I can, but DAILY. each hour. each moment. offering my life as a living sacrifice - not as an e-mail, but as a letter. hand-written, labored over in love, long and full and detailed. He gave His life for mine. shouldn't I offer mine to Him?
even when I feel caught in the twisting swirl of friends, family, studies, sleep ... life has a way of moving forward, slowly changing over time to create something beautiful out of who I used to be.
I get so tired, though, of struggling through my day - of struggling through everyone else's day, of the constant calls, texts, Skype conversations, Instant Messages, Facebook posts, that occur on an hourly basis, asking for my prayers, advice, company. as much as I love my friends, this happening makes me think of these three things:
- the scene in Bruce Almighty, when he sets up the prayers as e-mails.
- something Andy said to me, in August.
- the Love of my Father.
e-mailing is one of those wonderful inventions that are supposed to make our life easier, but have thus far only served to annoy me. there's not much I prefer over a long, hand-written letter, or a short, thinking-of-you note in my mailbox. and yet I find myself living through my e-mail account, both my personal one, and the one I use for work and school. e-mails dictate my life. and it is SO EASY to dig myself into a hole, through the time I put into e-mails, and what say in them.
similarly, when Bruce organizes the prayer requests of Buffalo, NY, into e-mails, he finds himself falling into a hole. he is unable to cope with the sheer numbers of the requests, unable to fathom the emotions and the needs behind them, unable to realize the ramifications of his decision to say, "YES!" to each and every e-mail in his in-box.
as the movie later shows, this leads to utter chaos in Buffalo and in Bruce's personal life.
my thought is this ... what makes me think that I can serve as God's e-mail router for problems, requests, and issues that arise in my life and the lives of my friends? I. Am. Not. The. Father. so why do I continually act as though I can replace Him?
it is not my responsibility to handle the daily issues that my friends face, nor to offer advice to solve their dilemmas. it is merely my responsibility to pray for them, to lend a shoulder to cry on, to point them to who CAN solve their problems.
I was fairly sick, the weekend before moving to Portland. this was a point of frustration in my life, as I had packing to finish and good-byes to make. I never did see 5 of my closest friends that weekend - my twins, Becca and Steph, or Sarah and Amy, my closest friends since 3rd grade, or Cory, my Best Man. instead, I left work early on Friday, and spent the next two days curled into my bed, sleeping, reading, and sleeping some more.
thankfully, I do have my trusty laptop - and I spent several hours Skype-chatting with Andy. I was so sick, though, that I occasionally fell asleep while we were chatting, and my poor boyfriend waited over an hour for a response to a relatively simple question.
when I woke up with a start, realizing that I had left Andy without meaning to, I apologized to him - I felt terrible! but his response both startled and soothed me.
"being with you doesn't always have to mean we're talking. sometimes, the silence on either end, is more than enough. I know you're there - I know you care about me - even when you're quiet. just like if I have a bad day, it doesn't mean I stop caring about you. I'm here for you in the silence parts of the day, too. all I need, is to know that you'll be there for me."
the thing I've learned about God this semester, in my first six weeks at Multnomah University, nestled up here at 85th & Glisan, in the Northeast quadrant of Portland, Oregon ...
the thing I've learned, is that God is there for those around me. He is more than ready and more than willing to listen to their problems, even when I am, too. He is their sufficency, their strength, their breath of life. there is nothing they can face, that He cannot handle. while He doesn't have to resort to a text message or an e-mail, He is infinitely more Instant than a Skype conversation ever could be.
He is there for me in the silences of my day. be it on the walk from class to class, the moments before I get out of bed, the seconds it takes for a call to go through at work - He is there. He is waiting with open arms to replenish my soul. to fill me up again. to show me His will for my life. it is enough for Him to know that I seek His face - but it is not enough for Him for me to simply know He is there. I know He cares for me, and I know I adore Him. but do I show it?
or am I too caught in the mentality that I can just shoot Him an e-mail, so to speak, to throw a prayer heavenwards when I need it the most? shouldn't my time with Him be more intentional? more meaningful? more precious? I know He is there when I'm quiet, just as Andy is when I fall asleep during a conversation. but I don't short-change my boyfriend on our meaningful conversations - he gets my full attention as often as I can give it to him.
how much more then, should I give God my full attention? and not as often as I can, but DAILY. each hour. each moment. offering my life as a living sacrifice - not as an e-mail, but as a letter. hand-written, labored over in love, long and full and detailed. He gave His life for mine. shouldn't I offer mine to Him?
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
kaleidescope.
Growing up is a scary thing --
from skinned knees to bruised hearts,
from running through the sprinklers
to running to far-away parts
that change and shift into a kaleidescope
of colors, you see, that mirror life.
Growing tall is a dangerous thing --
you hit your head on the bunk bed,
you lose your favorite jeans to capris,
it's harder and harder to keep you fed
with physical and spiritual food alike
as you dodge the flying bullets of life.
Growing in love is a hurtful thing --
do you trust him, do you flee,
do the hidden parts of you manage
to become seen, to break free
and explain who you are inside?
Because the one who stays through
memories is the one who stays for life.
from skinned knees to bruised hearts,
from running through the sprinklers
to running to far-away parts
that change and shift into a kaleidescope
of colors, you see, that mirror life.
Growing tall is a dangerous thing --
you hit your head on the bunk bed,
you lose your favorite jeans to capris,
it's harder and harder to keep you fed
with physical and spiritual food alike
as you dodge the flying bullets of life.
Growing in love is a hurtful thing --
do you trust him, do you flee,
do the hidden parts of you manage
to become seen, to break free
and explain who you are inside?
Because the one who stays through
memories is the one who stays for life.
thoughts.scribblings.mine.theirs.
Yearly.
if summer is the season of one's spirit,
and autumn the season of one's mind,
then winter is the time for one's body to unwind,
and spring the time to lift one again, for fear it
is lost in the yearly progression of moments.
.:hdh:.
"If God makes a way, it'd be a sin to stay;
if God closes a door, a fool asks for more."
Ryan McDarmind.
Come Out.
"if you fly away, i'll with you stay,
forever & ever again, with you in Never-land.
instead of telling stories, i could be your story,
forever & ever again, with you in Never-land ..."
.:hdh:.
"The grass isn't greener on the other side. Sorry.
If you want green grass ... Start watering your lawn."
Doug Fields.
Portland.
finding souls in the city is
rather more difficult than
finding souls in the vineyard.
the city is distracting, bustling,
caffeine-dripped.
the vineyard is quiet, calming,
dew-dropped.
but it is not the vineyard
where souls collide --
the Garden of Olives, where
decisions are made,
and the city, where
hearts are altered,
collide in the vineyard
of my memories.
i need to take the vineyard,
and the Garden of Olives,
and live in this city.
.:hdh:.
"But none of this was in my grand plan!
None of this is what I wanted in life!"
"Sometimes life has different plans for us,
than what we wanted. That's life."
Marley&Me.
if summer is the season of one's spirit,
and autumn the season of one's mind,
then winter is the time for one's body to unwind,
and spring the time to lift one again, for fear it
is lost in the yearly progression of moments.
.:hdh:.
"If God makes a way, it'd be a sin to stay;
if God closes a door, a fool asks for more."
Ryan McDarmind.
Come Out.
"if you fly away, i'll with you stay,
forever & ever again, with you in Never-land.
instead of telling stories, i could be your story,
forever & ever again, with you in Never-land ..."
.:hdh:.
"The grass isn't greener on the other side. Sorry.
If you want green grass ... Start watering your lawn."
Doug Fields.
Portland.
finding souls in the city is
rather more difficult than
finding souls in the vineyard.
the city is distracting, bustling,
caffeine-dripped.
the vineyard is quiet, calming,
dew-dropped.
but it is not the vineyard
where souls collide --
the Garden of Olives, where
decisions are made,
and the city, where
hearts are altered,
collide in the vineyard
of my memories.
i need to take the vineyard,
and the Garden of Olives,
and live in this city.
.:hdh:.
"But none of this was in my grand plan!
None of this is what I wanted in life!"
"Sometimes life has different plans for us,
than what we wanted. That's life."
Marley&Me.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for,
and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1
and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1
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