ok, God.

I'm working on a devotional "talk" for a youth group.  about 1 John 4:18, and how we are perfected in our love. I am also thinking about how Christ's strength perfects our weaknesses.  and how that that is a form of His love for us.  because without His love, our world is worthless, our plans meaningless, our love formless.  it is only with Him, with His love, that we can actually look to the future.
I guess I'm just sorting through it...  but I am working on it.  on life.  on figuring out the future God has for us.
but I guess that's the point, right?  this whole thing - it's all about trust...  and letting God direct us.

I guess, I'll post more when I process this a little more.

our God-given rights.

this week, my school is hosting a Global Missions Conference, and all classes are cancelled in lieu of going to the conference (provided we attend as many hours as we normally spend in class).
this year is Multnomah University's 70th Annual Global Missions Conference.
the theme is Harvesting the Desert - God at Work in the Middle East.
I attended a workshop this afternoon, led by a missionary to Lebanon named Nate Schnelz.  he entitled his workshop, Spiritual Survival in the Field, and he had a lot of good points.
one section in particular stood out to me.
Nate was talking about how we as Westerners are always harping on our rights - he was asking us what our Biblical, or God-given rights are.
he was showing us, from the book of Job, what our God-given rights do not include.

being blameless does not include the right to... 

physical comfort,

safety of ourselves and our loved ones,

health and healing,

abundance of possessions,

sympathetic or wise friends,

an encouraging or supportive spouse,

the respect of our community or a support system at all,

question God's judgment,

an easy life,

a claim to fame,

know why God does what He does,

sleep soundly or wake rested,

control our situations, 

find relief from suffering,

take pride in our accomplishments,

a long life.

these are our earthly expectations, that we aren't actually promised, and yet we strive towards these more often than not.

rather, our gift of righteousness gives us the right to...

become a child of God, John 1:12

eat from the Tree of Life, Revelation 2:7

sit with Jesus on His throne, Revelation 3:21

worship at the exclusive alter in Heaven, Hebrews 13:10

we need to pursue the latter list.

we will not become spiritually dead in our field, 

whether it is a desert field in Lebanon, 

a rural field in Texas, 

or an urban field in Portland.  

our field is where we are now - where we are planting seeds of hope now - where we are watering with the Gospel of Truth now.  the former list is all well and good - but we need to remember to seek first the Kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added unto us.  if we seek them first, we'll come up empty-handed at harvest-time, knowing that our efforts were fruitless, and be cast aside as chaff before the Throne of our Father, instead of being able to enter His courts with praise.

blast.

... and there goes my ambition to blog more regularly this year.  oh, well.
life here never seems to slow down.  I don't have more than one weekend-day this whole month to do homework.  I was able to visit my favorite cousin at the beginning of February, which was such a wonderful relaxing time - we hadn't been able to catch up in awhile, and we both welcomed the time to sit down and mess around and enjoy ourselves.  then this last weekend, Andy came to visit for almost 4 full days - it was a great blessing to be able to have time with him in this area of my world, up here in Portland, visiting my coffee shops, Powell's Books, wandering my campus and eating at my Thai place.   basically the best Valentine's weekend ever.  on Saturday, I get to go snow-shoeing, which will be an amazing and crazy-filled day.  and in just one week, I get to fly home to see my Momma for a few days.
which leaves me with an overwhelming amount of homework to cram in at all of the other odd moments of my week.  and I've been left with a surprising moment of clarity.
I'm taking a class on he Life & Thought of CS Lewis.  I needed 2 more Lit. units, and this class sounded fun.  I mean, I love Lewis, I love the prof, I love the books...
anyway.  this class has freaking massive loads of homework.  for some reason...  well, this week, we had to write our own Screwtape letter, about ourselves.  you know - when the more experienced tempter is writing to his nephew, offering advice about how to best distract and convert Christians back to their own dark Lowerarchy.
so I wrote mine.  about time management.  and about converting my pride back to glory for the Father.  my two biggest struggles in my daily life...  you know.  basically spilled my guts into an essay that will be read before my entire class tomorrow.
but then I realized.
I was already falling into the second thing I was struggling with.
pride.  not being able to point the glory back to God.
He's the one with all the good stuff.  it's wonderful.  He blesses me in ways I would have never asked for.  I can't do anything but step back and marvel at His goodness.

2010...?

its 2010.  I was thinking the other day, that I need to be more consistent about blogging.  well.  okay.  thats rather a lie.  I don't NEED to be.  but I'd like to be.  because parts of life should be consistent.  like, I'd rather have consistent times to read and to journal and write.  not for school - but for me.  for God.  for my own sanity.  I get too caught up in the daily ups and downs of life and school and my family, that I so infrequently, and inconsistently, take time for myself.
its 2010.  a new semester, a new schedule, a new set of dos and donts.  I'm back at school - I got here Sunday evening after the single most tumultuous and crazy 3 weeks of my entire life.  between time with Andy & his family, time with my family, helping to start planning 3 weddings and finalizing a 4th, trying to get ahead on the reading for this term, catch up on my sleep...  oh my goodness.  I'm tired just thinking about my break.
but now I'm back in Portland, back in my cozy dorm room here on 82nd St., back with my friends and where my life is, for now, rather focused.  but I'm torn.  I'm scattered.  I'm neither here nor there.  my family is in SoCal.  my love is in Sacramento.  my friends are literally scattered across the country and the world still.  and here I sit.  curled up in my adopted bed.  thinking about all of this.
and staring at the pile of books and projects that are already calling my name, and calling my name very loudly.  I thought taking 16 units would be a relief!  but the relief has not come into focus yet.
maybe I'm looking in the wrong places for relief.
maybe I need to look at the little things...
waking my boyfriend up this morning and spending a few minutes being quiet on the phone.
the note Hannah left on my mirror today.
having at least one good friend in every. single. one. of my 6 classes.
the clouds breaking and parting just as I left work this afternoon.
watching Tiina and Wolfie interact together at last.
getting texts from little brother, who just wanted to say hello.
looking up while sitting at my desk to see my Charlie-Rock Infantry sticker.
a prayer date with Chelsea for this weekend.
a lunch date with Cassie tomorrow.
all of these, and more, like the fact that I'm actually at the same school for more than one semester - that hasn't happened in a couple of years.  how I have 3 of my favorite professors in class this term.  how my projects (for the most part) actually sound exciting AND challenging, not just one or the other.
the hand of God is so evident in my life.  taking time to praise Him, to write about His work in my daily interactions with those around me, shouldn't be something I need to carve time out for.  it should come as quickly and as easily as breathing.  or brewing a cup of coffee...
actually.  I think I'll brew one now.
praise Jesus for coffee.  and for my life.