to a specific few - AL. CF. SF. AT.

I wish...
that I had started that paper earlier.
that I had stuck it out for a double major.
that I had stopped texting in classes.
that you hadn't laughed when I told you secrets.
that you hadn't ever touched me.
that you hadn't gone to Belize with me.
that I had spent more time in Italy.
that I had spent more time with that family on the train to Bologna.
that I had spent more money on memories and less on coffee.
that you had been able to see my true heart.
that you had believed that I was truly in pain.
that you had been willing to be a true friend.
that I was less stubborn.
that I was less lazy.
that I was less discouraged.
that you were more dedicated.
that you were more persevering.
that you were more willing to be a mentor.
that I was willing to see truth.
that I was willing to listen to You sooner.
that I was willing to stand up for myself.
that you...
that you were less of a cruel man.
that you were less of a selfish man.
that you were less of a lying man.
I wish that the promises you broke were written in the sky, so people would read it instead of asking me.
I wish that the wounds you gave me were real ones, so people would see the scars instead of the fake smile.
I wish that the heartache you dealt me was erased, so people would know me again instead of the shell.

or do I?
do I wish I hadn't learned those lessons?  made those memories?  lived with those people?
am I really going to throw out the experiences of these last 4 years with the simple, "I wish things were different," or am I going to take the last 4 years and DO something with them?
if I throw them out.  I am no better off than AL, CF, SF, and AT.
I am worse, actually.  because I have their lessons, and the truth they gave me, and I still walked away.
so it might be painful, especially now.  but I won't walk away from my memories.
who I am, is not defined by my past, but rather by how I choose to deal with the past - and by how I choose to deal with the present.